Friday, October 31, 2014

Day 12 October 30, 2014

Something I’ve done a couple of times in the past couple of weeks is Google celebrities who don’t drink. Before I started these searches I’d never even heard of the word “Teetotalers”. I’m quite interested in this actually and here is a list of my favorites.

Bradley Cooper
Kim Kardashian
Matthew Perry
Jennifer Lopez
Kelly Osborne
Keith Urban
Jada Pinkett Smith
Tyra Banks
Ben Affleck
Joe Biden
Jim Carrey
Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Phil McGraw
Natalie Portman
Lana Del Rey
John Travolta
Hal Sparks
Kathy Griffin
Kat Dennings

Still Day 11

As I was driving home tonight I was thinking of how “good” I was during my pregnancies and during the nursing years. And I was and it was not a problem. I’d been quite a partier during college but seemed to be no different than anyone else at the time. It would be much later before I ever entertained the idea that I might have a problem. I can remember ONE time during each of my pregnancies that I had ONE drink. Same while I was nursing.

And then I remembered that there was just one time while I was nursing that probably crossed the line. My daughter was 3 months old and we were at the wedding of two of our closest friends. My husband had taken the baby to the hotel room and I just could not resist having some drinks. The baby was fussy and he had walked back to the reception just as I was taking a shot. I remember him being furious and I was caught. I honestly don’t think I had a ton to drink overall but as I was trying to comfort my daughter, nothing worked. Nothing that is except nursing her. Not my proudest moment.

Other than that though I really had no problem during the first few years of my kids lives. Never missed it and don’t remember ever thinking about it. I do remember the first time I drank a significant amount again. It was Christmas Eve. My kids were 2 and 3 I’m guessing. I drank quite a bit of wine, which at the time was unusual for me. I actually remember saying “I’ve rediscovered drinking tonight”. We have video of that night and I think I’ve only seen it once but I couldn’t stand to watch it. When you are drinking you just don’t know how annoying you really are. This started many years of drinking too much on Christmas Eve and feeling like shit on Christmas Morning. Luckily this year will be different.

Day 11 October 29, 2014

Been in a great mood today and here’s what’s on my mind.

I started reading Jason Vale’s book yesterday. I’ve seen it mentioned in lots of places and so far I’m very interested and fascinated with it. It’s really giving me a lot to think about. Only about 30% through it but excited to read more.

Random thought I had last night. For whatever reason I’ve never been interested in drinking alcohol on an airplane. It’s one of the few places that I just really never wanted it, and wouldn’t drink it. Not exactly sure why but it’s an interesting thought.

For me one of the worst things about drinking and one of the best things about not drinking has to do with sleep. The worst thing for me has always been waking up in the middle of the night regretting drinking too much and not being able to fall back asleep. Laying there for hours on end beating myself up. Absolutely HATE that. On the other hand I much prefer getting into bed at night when I haven’t been drinking, not to mention the fact that I’ll sleep through and wake up feeling good! Long story short, today I bought myself a new “sobriety blanket”. It’s super soft and warm and a beautiful color. Just something to look forward to at the end of the day and a small reminder for me.

One more thought…I was reading on someone’s blog about getting a tattoo regarding their sobriety. Of course I thought…not me. But then I thought about it more and I sort of want to do this. Maybe after a year? I’ve seen white tattoos on Pinterest and what a great way to do it. It’s there but can hardly be seen. My thought would be to get “not today” on the inside of my wrist. I’ll think about this for a while…

Day 10 October 28, 2014

So what I want to do today is write about May-October of this year. Basically the key events that happened during that time to bring me to where I am today.

In May 2014, I had a particularly bad drinking day. It was a Sunday, probably about 2:00 and I started my usual “a glass of wine sounds nice” routine. I played a board game with my family (wine was pretty much required to do this), my husband put steaks on the barbeque…sounds like a great afternoon. But it was not a great afternoon. The wine was going down even faster than normal and soon after I ate that steak I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up. Who does that? What kind of a mom is puking in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? Of course I got it in my hair so I got in the shower and then proceeded to pass out on my bed in nothing but a T shirt and underwear. I vaguely recall my family coming in and out of the room and looking back I can only wonder what my kids must have been thinking. So I woke up feeling like shit with 3 empty wine bottles on the counter. I managed to get the kids to school, stopped for Gatorade and coconut water, took a detox bath…anything to feel better. I didn’t feel better. I slept until it was just time to pick up my kids. It was one of many days I’d spend just wishing that day was over so I could go to sleep and feel better tomorrow. It wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts about my drinking being a problem, or that I needed to quit. So this began my second “official” attempt at quitting. I made it 47 days.

I was proud of myself, the 47 days were not even that hard. I did lots of things without alcohol including a birthday dinner. I was on fire…and then I went on vacation. I did not have a clear plan about drinking on vacation other than to “see how it goes”. Of course one of the best things about vacations had always been drinking and as soon as the opportunity presented itself I could not resist. It wasn’t an easy decision and I actually thought long and hard about it. I’d have to reset the app on my phone that was counting the days from 47 to ZERO. But the alcohol won and I drank on most days of that vacation. Nothing extreme, one day with a moderate hangover. But once I’d started again I couldn’t get myself back on track.

That was at the beginning of July, and once I’d started again I saw no reason to stop. Especially considering that my best friend was coming in to town at the end of the month. I have a 3 close friends who I’ve known since Jr. High and High school. We get together every summer with our families and then also once a year for a girls weekend, drinking is always a focal point. This summer, the timing of my best friend coming to town also correlated with one of the other friends turning 40. There was a big party planned. My best friend and the one who was turning 40 are both very normal drinkers, with the other friend and I being the heavier drinkers, the party girls…she was my drinking buddy. My husband had mentioned wanting to drink at this event and knowing full well that I’d go overboard I causally mentioned to my drinking buddy that maybe I’d drive (not drink). She was upset to say the least. I really wanted to please her and of course I really WANTED to drink. So I drank. A lot. I’m not going to lie, the night was a lot of fun. After quite a few drinks I actually remember bringing up the fact that I thought I drank too much. Someone said “if you think you have a problem you probably do” So true.

We had our annual girls weekend just a few weeks ago. I did drink, but surprisingly not too much. I remember thinking that it felt so much better to NOT be severely hungover! Of course I couldn’t stop drinking before this weekend but once it was over I felt that I was ready to try again and here I am. If I stay sober as I plan to, next years summer and fall gatherings with my best friends will be some of the most difficult for me. However, they are my best friends and I know that they will support me.

Labor day was in there too…I drank A LOT…you get the idea.

Day 9 October 27, 2014

I went to the liquor store today. I’d gone through the wine we did have in the house pretty quick before I decided to stop and seeing as how my husband has no problem with alcohol my plan is to have it in the house for him. I also wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I did my usual routine of walking around and picking up inexpensive bottles of wine. I felt like I should be shouting “don’t worry I’m not going to drink it!”

I also started reading “Sober is the New Black”. I love it and can totally relate to it. I’m 60% done and will finish it in the morning

Day 8 October 26, 2014

It’s Sunday night and I’m tired. Not going to lie, I thought about wine today. A lot. Sort of like when I go on a no carb diet and all I want is bread. I wasn’t thinking about it like I was actually going to drink it, but wishing I was a normal drinker so I could. They featured a new drink on shark tank and it sounded good and the sharks loved it and it was this moment of feeling sorry for myself because I’ll never get to taste it. And then I’m thinking that I don’t HAVE to do this forever and the thoughts go back and forth. Never ending. I will say that as I’m getting ready to get into bed I really do love crawling into bed much better when I haven’t been drinking. It’s such a better experience.

Day 7 October 25, 2014

I feel great today. My son had his first basketball game of the season. He played at my old School and it was so fun and weird to go inside. But the best part is that am not hungover today as I have been so often on Saturday mornings in the past. I enjoyed the game instead of wishing it was over because I didn’t feel good.

So It is one week since the last time I had a drink. Last Saturday was actually pretty uneventful in the grand scheme of my life as a drinker. At about 3:00 I found myself home entirely alone. So I pulled out a bottle of white wine from the fridge. It was a little less than half full and I told myself I’d finish it and wouldn’t need any more. It was a gorgeous day outside, so I sat with my wine and soon felt the desire to open another bottle (red, my preferred choice). I didn’t finish that bottle, I left about an inch or two in the bottom. I played Candy Crush, watched a good football game and went to bed. Nothing “bad” happened. Then I woke up in the middle of the night AGAIN, couldn’t sleep AGAIN, felt like shit AGAIN.

At this point I’d already admitted to myself that I had a problem, contemplated quitting, and in fact had thought about quitting for a year on January 1 2015. It would be so much easier to quit after the holidays were over. But for some reason the thought occurred to me that I could start NOW instead and by January I’d already have over 60 days under my belt. I didn’t make a firm commitment to quit as I lay there in the night but over the next few days I found some awesome blogs and have been totally fascinated this week in reading them. I started this a couple of days later.

So here I am on day 7.

Oh…almost forgot. I told my husband this morning. It was almost uneventful. Of course I’ve said similar things before but I did include the fact that this was “for good” and I have “a problem”. He asked how he can help and I’m not even sure at this point. As they say…the cat’s out of the bag!

Day 6 October 24, 2014

I fell asleep right away last night! Only wish my dogs wouldn’t have gotten up at 5:30.

So I joined a support group on yahoo. Been reading the messages all week and decided it would be a good idea to participate…be accountable. I even decided to sign it with my first name. Thought I’d figured it out but then the message came across with my first and LAST name. It freaked me out. I’m sure no one will know me but wasn’t ready for that. Darn technology…I’d tried so hard for that not to happen, even created a new email address this week. Well it’s out there now.

Still Day 5...again...I guess I'm on a roll today

So, I’ve often thought about the “A” word (alcoholic…there I said it), and have all kinds of thoughts about it. As I was emptying the dishwasher just now I had the scariest thought yet and feel like I need to write about it NOW.

Of course I don’t want to be an alcoholic…who does? I have no problem saying I have a problem with alcohol or a drinking problem. Better yet I can say that I drink alcoholically or that I have an alcoholic mind. But to say “My name is ______ and I’m an alcoholic” …nope can’t do that. Me? Hell no. But that’s not the scary part. I just had a vision of one of my kids saying “My mom’s an alcoholic”. If I want to screw up my own life that’s one thing but to put that kind of stigma on them hardly seems fair. I really don’t like the word and what’s associated with it and honestly can’t say if I am or not. Do I live under a bridge? No. Have I ever had a DUI? No. Do I drink every day? No. Do I consistently drink more that I want to or intend to. Yes. Do I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, shameful, embarrassed and just plain disgusted with myself after a night of drinking. Yes. Am I always the one who drinks more than everyone else? Yes. What does it all mean? As they say, if the shoe fits…

One more thought. Over the past couple of days I’ve been feeling all kinds of things including an almost out of body experience when I stop and think about that fact that I’m actually doing this. I’m writing this down. I’m going to quit drinking…FOR GOOD. It feels TOO real. Like my brain is on overload. Lots of doubt too. Do I really need to do this? Do I really WANT to do this? For now I’m going to go with…YES!

Still Day 5

I have never thought of myself as a writer or ever considered the possibility that I would like to write but now that I have started this blog I feel like I can’t stop and am constantly thinking about things I want to write about.

So as I was just making myself some breakfast I was thinking about the fact that tomorrow is Friday and it will most likely be the hardest day for me so far because it’s FRIDAY and who doesn’t want to have a drink on Friday? Then I was thinking that tomorrow I will write about what I was doing the previous Friday (drinking) and I realized that that wasn’t true. The previous Friday I spent hung over because I had too much wine the previous Thursday. Why was I drinking last Thursday? I’ll tell you. My daughter’s evening activities were cancelled (I didn’t have to drive) and my husband would be home late (no one would have to know). Of course my kids were home with me all night watching me drink but somehow I had convinced myself that this was ok.

So here’s how the night went. I got home from picking up the kids at school and immediately opened the bottle of red wine. I drank that wine while making lunches for the following day, cleaning the kitchen, kids doing homework (I was happy to be having the wine because surely it was making these mundane tasks so much more bearable). I’m sure I told myself as I usually did that I’d just have one glass. Then we watched some of our favorite TV shows. At some point I finished the bottle, put the it in the recycle bin and the glass in the dishwasher and we all went to bed. Nothing “bad” happened. But what kind of example is that setting for my kids?

A few days later I asked my son if he wanted to watch The Biggest Loser and proceeded to turn it on. He said that we had already watched that episode. I was staring at the TV but it wasn’t ringing a bell. Honestly sometimes TV is so mindless that I don’t remember it even when watching it when sober (or at least that’s what I tell myself). But as I was watching this show I realized that we must have watched it last Thursday when I was into the bottom of the bottle of wine I had been drinking. I laughed it off, and deleted the episode. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not like I blacked out and forgot the entire night. I remember it generally, I know I watched TV with my kids. The specifics just aren’t there. Is this the end of the world? No. Is this a problem? Yes.

Day 5 October 23, 2014

I feel like my mind has been on overload the past few days. I’m glad I started writing things down but I wish this was more organized. I have a million things in my head that I want to write about and not sure how to best accomplish this. I will say that it feels great to get things out and I’ve never done this before. I’m hoping it will be the difference this time. Something else I’ve never done before is read the blogs of so many other women who are just like me. Sure I’ve browsed the Internet a bit when hungover and taken a few quizzes about my drinking habits. But this week I have been absolutely captivated by some blogs I’ve found. I sit here and nod my head as I read…they are writing MY story. I’ve been careful to mark all of my entries on this blog as private. I am certainly not ready for anyone I KNOW to read this. But I’m considering the idea of people I don’t know but who might be in a similar situation reading it. Not only am I not ready for anyone I know to read this, I haven’t even told anyone in my life of my plan to quit drinking (for good) yet. If I don’t tell anyone and then I fail, no one would even know I tried. I need to tell someone.

Time for another story from the past. I’m not sure about the exact date but it was about 10 years ago. My kids were young and with grandma for the night. We were at a work function for my husband at a place famous for their strong margaritas, and that night they were free! So I quickly drank 3 (which happens to be their limit), but the night didn’t stop there. We were off to another of my favorite spots where I had around 8 or so beers. We took a cab home. I don’t remember much about that ride but I do know I vomited IN THE CAB. Of course I don’t remember the conversation my husband had with the driver but I heard it was a good one. I do remember the hangover the next day and barely being able to sit through my kids swim lessons. Although embarrassed, at the time I don’t remember thinking that I had a problem or needed to stop drinking or anything like that. This was a bad night but it was “normal”. Drinking was just what I did.

Still Day 4

I feel good. Just got back from the gym and listened to the bubble hour (Mrs. D was the guest) while I was on the bike.

OK, time to write about something real. One of my worst nights of drinking, after which I first realized I might have a problem and had my first “official” attempt at quitting. I feel and hope that writing this down will be healing.

Spring break, 2012. Our last night in Hawaii. Mai Tai’s all afternoon at the pool followed by who knows how much wine during dinner. I woke up with a bad hangover, really bad. In fact, it was so bad I asked my husband to go downstairs and get me a beer. He did and I drank it first thing in the morning hoping to feel better. My 10 year old daughter who was sleeping in bed with me woke up and immediately and excitedly asked me about the tooth she had lost the night before. She wanted to know where I had put it for safe keeping. I had no idea what she was talking about.

In the past, after a night of heavy drinking, I often woke with a foggy memory of the night before. Then someone would mention something and it would slowly come back to me in bits and pieces. Not this time. I had absolutely no memory of the lost tooth. In fact, I had only a vague memory of arriving at dinner, eating dinner and drinking lots of wine but nothing after that. Nothing. I racked my brain, searched my mind hoping for something. I looked around in places I might have put the tooth and never did find it.

Lots of guilt/shame/embarrassment about this night. Lots of emotion, in fact I started to cry as I began to type this. Not only did I loose the precious tooth, but not having even the faintest memory of the night before scared me. How can that make sense to a child? AND, what else had happened the night before? I was with my family, my children! What did I say, How did I act?

I came back from that trip thinking that this could be my rock bottom. For the first time I seriously wanted to quit drinking FOREVER. I wasn’t ready. I quit for about 3 weeks.

Day 4 October 22, 2014

I feel good today. Today will be an easy day to be sober. Weekdays usually are. I’m tired, the past 2 nights my mind has been racing at and I’ve found it hard to fall asleep. Dogs were up at 6:00. They both slept in the same crate last night and I didn’t even realize it until this morning (and was completely sober when tucking them in), funny!

New candy crush levels are out! This is another addiction of mine. I love to play with a glass of wine in my hand but I also love it without!

Doubts…Should I have started this blog? Is it really private? What if someone sees it? What if I can’t stop drinking forever? What if I don’t need to stop drinking forever? What if I don’t want to stop drinking forever? Who should I tell? What will they say? Do I really have a problem? What about vacations, holidays, weddings, weekends?

Still Day 3

Just thinking about how to write a blog, never done it before. It seems logical for each entry to have 2 parts. The first part will be about how I am presently feeling. The second part would be to discuss a topic, or write about events that have brought me to where I am today. I feel like writing about these things will be therapeutic.

For example:

I feel foggy today and have a slight headache. Remnants of the last drinking episode or lack of sleep worrying about this whole sobriety thing?

What’s on my mind is the idea of practicing quitting. I read something today that made me feel better. I’ve tried to quit drinking in the past, unsuccessfully, as many have. The idea that this was perhaps “practicing” instead of failing makes me feel much better. Practice makes perfect.

Day 3 October 21, 2014

Not sure where to start. Spent the day reading recovery blogs. Thinking it’s a good idea to write something down. It’s time to admit that I have a problem. Trying to create this for myself and hope I’ve made it private and that no one else will see it. Not ready for that yet. I’ve tried to quit before, can I do it this time? For the long term? Time will tell.

Note:  This was 10 days ago and now I'm actually putting it out there!

Day 13


A couple of weeks ago I decided to stop drinking.  I also decided to start blogging.  I started a blog on another site but I'm thinking I'm not loving it so I think I want to blog here.  Obviously I have not idea what I'm doing, but I think the first thing to do is to copy all of my previous entries here and then I'll be caught up and can go from there.  So that's what I'm going to attempt to do this afternoon and will see how it goes...