The Blanket Debacle

Way back before any of you lovely people were reading this blog, back on Day 11 in fact, I wrote about a special sober treat I bought myself (as a side note it is funny to go back and read these older posts now).  My treat was the softest, comfiest, most wonderful blanket in the entire world.  I had gotten quite attached to it, snuggling up with it every night...my reminder of how much better sleep is when sober.  

Yesterday I decided to skip the gym as I've been sick.  My plan was to bring this treasured blanket out of it's place on my bed and into the living room and curl up with it and watch mindless TV all day.  All was going according to plan and I was having a nice relaxing day until I decided to run to the store for some cold medicine and...

MY DOGS TOOK MY PRECIOUS BLANKET OUTSIDE AND FUCKING ATE IT!

I wish I could blame someone other than myself.  My dogs have been known to eat everything from socks to sweatshirts to hats.  I was planning to be so careful with my blanket and only use it for a few hours before returning it to the bedroom.

I was so mad (and sad) that I cried!  Last night I really missed it.

It's Official...I'm Sick

With so much sickness going around this winter I've been lucky so far.  In fact, I haven't been sick at all since I quit drinking.  I've felt it coming on the past couple of days and tried to deny it, tried to load up on vitamins.   This morning when I woke up I could not deny it anymore...I'm officially sick. It's a cold...not the end of the world.  It's interesting though that I have gotten so use to feeling good when I wake up in the morning that it was strange to wake up this morning and NOT feel good.  

I tried to talk myself out of going to the gym this morning and then remembered all the times I went to the gym with a hangover (feeling much worse), just to prove that I wasn't feeling that bad and didn't have a problem. So I did go this morning but may stay home to rest tomorrow if I'm not feeling better, after all I don't have anything to prove anymore! 

Some people have said that being sick is a trigger to drink.  I really don't feel that way and never have.  Although there was this one time in college that I specifically remember.  I was sick with a cold and went out drinking. I drank so much that my cold was completely GONE the next day.  I use to tell this story to brag, but as I think of it now I can only imagine just how much alcohol must have been in my system to completely knock out that virus...yuck!

The only thing I'll be drinking this afternoon is hot tea!

~DAY 100~

It's day 100.  Woo Hoo!  I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to celebrate!

Here is a list of the top things I've learned.

10.  It's not easy.  There are good days and bad.  Some days I feel like shouting from the mountaintops about how I love being sober and some days I feel grouchy and resentful about it.

9.  Nothing good has magically happened since I became sober.  I didn't lose 10 pounds (in fact I initially gained weight) and my marriage still has issues.  I will need to work on these things to make them better.

8.  I still don't "know" how to meditate exactly, but I love listening to Tara Brach as part of my bedtime routine.

7.  I love blogging (this was a surprise).  It's not just my own blog...but the interaction.  I am grateful to my handful of followers (you) who comment on my blog. Also, I love to read words written by someone else and feel I could have written them myself.

6.  I don't miss hangovers...enough said!

5.  Other people don't drink as much as I thought they did.  The only people who will be upset that I'm not drinking are the ones who's brains are wired similarly to mine.

4.  It seems that people who drink too much share other personality characteristics as well.  

3.  I have never regretted NOT drinking the night before.

2.  Sleep is huge.  I love going to bed sober and I love sleeping through the night!

1.  I can do this and YOU can too!

Here is a list of the top things that have been helpful.

5.  Books

• Sober is the New Black
• Mrs. D is Going Without
• Kick the Drink...Easily
• Drinking: A Love Story

4.  Blogs

• writing my own blog
• reading others blogs
• commenting on others blogs

3.  Booze Free Brigage (BFB)

• Yahoo group
• Facebook group

2.  Podcasts

• The Bubble Hour
• Belle's audios
• Tara Brach

All of the above have connected me to others, which brings me to the most important thing that has helped me through my first 100 days.

1.  Realizing that I am not alone.  There are other people just like me.

Thank YOU for being on this journey with me.  Looking forward to day 101 and beyond :)

Judgement

I'd like to think that I don't judge others, but unfortunately sometimes I find myself doing just that.  When I stop to think about it, I find that it has to do with me...not them.  It is usually based on one of my own insecurities.  Judging them so I can feel better about myself.  Sounds ugly when I put it out there like that.  I am going to work on being more mindful of this.

I've written before on my blog about blogging.  I obviously enjoy it and it is my main connection to other people who are sober.  I really feel like I am making connections with people (yes YOU).  It is strange though for it to be done anonymously.  I understand why (as I am anonymous myself), but sometimes wish there was more.  

Anyhow...all of this rambling about blogging has a point.  As I was checking in on all of my blogging friends yesterday morning I noticed that one of the blogs was gone when I clicked on it.  Just gone.  Today?  Still gone.  So of course I am left wondering what happened.  Is she drinking?  Is she ok?  Will she come back?  I hope she is well and no matter what has happened I hope she will be back.  Of course there is no judgement here, only concern...and the reminder of how fragile sobriety can be.

The sunrises have been beautiful lately.  It's usually as I sit here doing the sober blogging thing that I notice the beautiful pink clouds.  The start of another sober day.

Pink Clouds

Day 90

Well today is day 90!

My grouchy mood from the weekend has passed.

Overall the 90 days have gone by very fast.  I am happy to have made it this far and have every intention of continuing.  I told someone recently that I plan to not drink for at least a year.

Here's a small piece of irony.  I wrote not long ago about how I'd become fascinated with the podcast Serial.  So I've told a lot of people at my gym about it and now that they are listening they want to meet for drinks to discuss it! I've known this group of people for a while but never hung out socially.  One of them (who is a non drinker herself) knows that I don't drink.  She's actually been a great support to me.  Other than her they don't know (and probably won't care).  Weird though to be facing a social outing with new people.  I feel a bit anxious about the whole thing.  At least I am passionate about the topic!

Yesterday was a Hot Mess

I'd call yesterday a bad day.  I was super grouchy.

First thing I did was get on the scale.  I knew pretty much exactly what it would say but I was disappointed anyway.  I've done this yo-yo dieting thing enough times to know that losing weight takes time and yet I want immediate results. After all, I've been staying within my calorie limit for almost 2 weeks and I went to the gym 6 out out 7 days last week.  Surely I'd have lost 15 pounds by now. Guess what...I haven't!

Then I went to they gym which was actually fun as I love my Sunday class.  On the way home I found out that there was an extra ticket for the playoff football game.  This should be exciting news, and it was.  It's just that I knew it would be challenging as I'd just gone to a game a couple of weeks ago.  We sit in a suite complete with a bar, bartender and food buffet.  Last time I drank tea and ate the yummy food.  This time I drank tea and ate 2 pickles!  My attitude was terrible.  I wanted to be holding a huge plastic cup filled with foamy beer.  

I wanted to enjoy the game and I did somewhat but I was filled with negative thoughts.  My own temper tantrum in my head.  WHY CAN'T I HAVE DRINKS? Everyone else is having drinks.  Why can't I be a normal drinker?  Maybe this no drinking thing was a BAD idea.  AND...this was MY idea...why exactly am I doing this to myself?

I also failed all day to have any civilized conversation with my husband. Instead, every word that came out of my mouth was either bitchy, accusatory or lecturing.  YUCK!

I was even on the brink of tears a couple of times.

I've heard other sober people talk of this magical land where they LIKE being sober.  People have said they enjoy social events sober and even have fun!  I need a map to this magical place because I was nowhere near there yesterday.

Today will be better :)

The Bad, the Good and the Fluffy

I've got a couple of things to write about this morning.  One is a very serious situation happening in my life and how I'm reacting to it and the other is a totally ridiculous reality TV show I'm watching.  I'll start with the serious and end with the fluff.

A member of my husbands family is dealing with a very serious health issue and unfortunately I've not handled it very well.  When it first happened I had my feelings hurt because I was not on the group text and did not find out right away.  My husband was at work and he and I didn't communicate about it right away either.  After a visit to the hospital (on which I should have accompanied him) my husband came home emotionally drained and instead of being supportive and helpful I was a huge baby because MY feelings were hurt. Needless to say that conversation didn't go well.  The last thing I wanted to do is argue with my husband during a tragedy, yet that was what was happening.  

I went to bed and told myself that I'd do better.  I needed to realize that this was not about ME!  The people who were on the group text were the ones who should have been.  I really felt like I needed to grow up and act like an adult. That was two days ago and I do think yesterday was a bit better. I accompanied my husband to the hospital and then left to pick up the kids from school.  He came home quite a bit later and was very upset. I wanted to know what was going on but I think the mistake I made was asking him the minute he walked in.  He was visibly upset and I think waiting and letting him have time to decompress would have been better.

Again...today will be better.  I think the most frustrating thing is knowing I'm acting in an unhealthy way but still doing it anyway.  It can be so hard to change behavior.

Now for the fluff!

The fluff is The Bachelor...one of my favorite guilty pleasures!  I love it and have watched for such a long time.  There is so much alcohol on that show!  I just watched the first episode of the season and there was one poor girl who drank so much she could hardly stand up (and she got a rose!)  Of course I would never be on the show but if I was a can guarantee I would be the one who would have drank too much!  Also they always drink wine on the dates.  It is such a glamorous image of wine drinking.  I would always wonder how they could do that for so many nights in a row without being hungover, how they could sip the wine so slowly.  Now I know that they are most likely normal drinkers, it just seems so foreign to me and the way I use to drink.

So there it is.  The bad (terrible things happen), the good (I'm aware of my issues and working on them), and the fluff (gotta love reality TV). 

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Well, my kids are officially going back to school in just under 2 hours.  The older they've gotten, the more I enjoy having them home in the summer and on breaks.  I'll actually miss them and the lazy days we've been having :)

The holidays are over, the parties are over, break from school and nightly activities is over, eating everything in sight is over.  Now what?

Now we settle back in to normal and just keep going!

And you get bonus points if you are now singing the song I referenced in the title!

One More Thing

I enjoyed the holidays this year, and I'm also looking forward to settling back into our usual routine.  First though, I have one more event to attend and it's tonight.

I have mentioned before that I am fast approaching 40 (not sure how that's possible), which means my friends are all turning 40 as well.  40 seems to be a big deal as far as parties go.  I have a close group of friends who I've known since high school and last summer the first of us turned 40.  I wrote about that here.  Well tonight is the 40th birthday party of one of my other best friends (my best drinking buddy). I've known her more than 20 years, in fact I've drank with here for more than 20 years.  I absolutely love her and value our friendship, but she tends to be a party girl.  She is actually having TWO 40th birthday parties.  I picked the party tonight because although there will be heavy drinking I'm guessing it will be the mellower of the two.  Of course, up until a couple of months ago I was just as much of a drinker (probably more) and would have been looking forward to this night as a reason to drink heavily.

When I stopped drinking back in October, I knew this day would come.  This was one of the future events that I could not imagine not drinking at.  Luckily, as Belle would say, I've got a bit of sober momentum going.  I know I won't drink tonight and she knows I won't drink tonight.  What I don't know, is that I won't feel socially awkward tonight.

I'm really not a fan of socializing.  I'm terrible at small talk, I hate mingling. Wine was such a good remedy to that problem.  This won't be a small party and I'll miss the crutch I've relied on for so long.  Luckily, another friend from our group (total normal drinker) will be there and I can hang with her.

I've also packed a party bag with a few things that might help.  I have a few cans of La Croix, a protein bar (since I've decided to lose weight I won't be munching on the food either), a hat (it's a hat/mustache/wig party) and my essential oils catalog.  I've recently discovered essential oils and my friend has indicated that she wants to order...this will give me something to talk about and focus on.  Also, Rachel recently posted about making conversation, I'll bring these ideas as well.

I am looking forward to the moment tonight when I lay my sober head on my pillow and congratulate myself for a job well done.

~ Happy New Year ~

This would be funny if it wasn't true!

To anyone reading this...Happy New Year!  I originally had thoughts of today being my day 1 but instead it is day 75.  I am grateful for that, I feel as if the hardest time of the year to not drink is now behind me!

I have struggled with my weight for years and been a chronic yo-yo dieter for a very long time.  When I gave up alcohol 75 days ago I also gave myself permission to eat anything and everything.  I needed some kind of reward and food works great because I love it so much.  Also, I was dealing with plantar fasciitis and out of my usual gym routine for about 6 weeks.  I tend to put on a few pounds during the holiday season anyway, this year it's been more than a "few."  Maybe the worst part is that I really have had to get my bigger jeans down off the top shelf in my closet. 

I got on the scale this morning...I knew it wouldn't be good.  I have a certain weight that I feel comfortable at.  Not model thin or anything, just healthy.  I am officially 15 pounds up from there...UGH!  So it's time to get serious about weight loss yet again.  

My gym has a 5K race every year on New Year's Day.  I had always wondered what kind of a person was feeling good enough on New Year's Day to complete a 5K.  Well this year I do!  A couple of weeks ago I signed up my whole family. We will be walking, not running...but I think it will be a great thing to get us all in a healthier frame of mind.

Here's to a happy, healthy and sober 2015!