Say Something

I don't have much to say but I feel like I should say something.  I hate leaving my last post out there without following up to say things are back to normal.  I don't even know what "normal" means, but I am over my freak-out from the weekend.  I appreciate the support from everyone.

I'm still busy with shirts!  I've sold 70 shirts for my dance jam class and I also take a step aerobics class and we are working on shirts to surprise the instructor with.

Lately, I rarely think about alcohol.  The thoughts slip in but they are quick to slip right back out.  When I was at my friends office working on the shirts she showed me a video of a cruise she wants to take.  Lot's of images of people drinking wine, wine glasses, having fun, relaxing.  Stuff like that is triggery for me.  I felt a longing for the wine, but it quickly passed.

The scale is also moving in the right direction, I'm finally seeing a slight change in the way I look :)

Happy Sober Thursday!

UGH

Well, I feel like I've been on a real high for quite a few days now but it was bound to come to an end. 

I hate to keep talking about these shirts I've been selling but it's been such a fun project. It's kept me busy and connected me to new friends and old. After coordinating the order and helping make the shirts (over 40 of them), I was able to deliver them yesterday. We all wore them during my exercise class and it was such a fun day. I posted a picture on Facebook of all of us in our shirts and it has over 110 likes, the most ever!  It's been exhausting but I've really had an adrenaline rush throuout. I've even taken orders for more!  

It was a weird coincidence that just as I was gaining quite a few Facebook friends from people from the gym who wanted shirts, a few people from the BFB yahoo group wanted to be Facebook friends as well. So I have lots of new fitness friends and sober friends alike!

Then some friends from a different class wanted shirts and I had my shirt making friend design something but it seems more difficult this time as lots of people are having differing opinions on how it should look. I'm hoping I didn't bite off more than I can chew and nervous to please everyone. 

Anyhow as I was feeling a bit frustrated with my shirt project this afternoon my husband came home from the doctor and asked me to download a book for him. Here's where things really went downhill. The book was about how to not walk on eggshells and get your life back when you live with someone with borderline personality disorder.  So I sort of freaked out. I went in the other room and cried (while googling BPD).  I took a bath and cried some more. 

Don't get me wrong, I mean I know I'm a hot mess but it's a bit different to hear it from someone else. I feel very vulnerable to think about the discussion he must have had with his doctor to end up with that book recommendation. 

In fact I feel vulnerable writing about this here but think it's good to get it off my chest.  It felt good to cry although I feel a bit like I've been on a emotional roller coaster. 

So tonight has been a shitty night and hoping tomorrow will be better. Although I'm suppose to meet with this group of friends at the gym in the morning to agree on shirts. Wish me luck!

What Day is it?

Some of my "sobriety apps"

After I made it to 100 days it seemed much less necessary to focus so much on my day count.  I decided to leave my counting app alone and not open it.  So there it sits at 100 days to remind me of what I have accomplished so far.  Even though I have not updated the app I did count days the other day when someone asked me what day I was on, but I considered the fact that I had to actually go to the calendar and figure it out progress!  So right now I know I am somewhere between day 120-125.

Another thing that's made it easy to lose track is that I've been extra busy the past couple of weeks.  I did my taxes, refinanced my house, my father-in-law had open heart surgery (he's doing well), and I coordinated a shirt order of more that $1000 for my friend who makes shirts from my friends at the gym.

I guess the point here is that I am spending much less time thinking about drinking and much more time living life :)

Fun and Games

My poor early blooming crocus flowers

We are having a nice little snowstorm here today.  The kids are out of school for President's Day so it will be a bit harder to get myself to the gym, but I'm going! I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seat wondering how my weight loss is coming along.  It is going slowly, but going.  I have been a pound lighter on each of the past 3 Monday mornings!  I feel like my issues with food mimic my issues with alcohol in so many ways.  Some times I feel such a strong urge to eat, just as I would to drink.  To take away the bad feelings.  But you HAVE to eat so it gets tricky.

Yesterday I tried non-alcoholic wine for the first time.  I've had such mixed feelings about this subject.  A while back some people on the BFB were talking about non alcoholic beer and which kinds taste best, etc.  I decided I was going to buy some and then I started obsessing about it in my head.  Thinking about buying it, opening it and drinking it.  Wanting that feeling and then remembering it would not give me that feeling.  It scared me a little so I decided not to buy any...seemed as if I was perhaps not ready.  Then right before Christmas I bought a bottle of non-alcoholic wine as I thought I might want it over the holidays.  I was scared to open it and it has been sitting on my counter ever since.  

I've mentioned before that playing board games with my family is a huge trigger for me.  I hate admitting that as I feel like a horrible person, but sadly it's true. So yesterday my husband went to the store and came home with a new board game and two bottles of wine.  I cringed inside just a bit.  I really wanted some wine if I was going to sit down and play.  So I debated a bit and then decided to try the non-alcoholic version.  The process of getting the wine glass out of the cabinet and holding it in my hand...the sound of the wine pouring, it was so familiar.  Because I've been counting calories I didn't want to drink too much of the stuff so I measured out my portion and tasted it.  It didn't necessarily taste good but it didn't taste bad either.  I had two glasses (1/2 cup each/70 calories total...lol).  

All in all it was an interesting experience.  I'm not really looking forward to the next time I will drink it but I think in certain situations it could be really helpful. The other thing I noticed was how quickly the craving passed.  It was a strong craving but by the time we sat down to play it was gone.  I need to remember that.

I'm Not an Alcoholic (I Just Play One on TV)

After writing my last post and reading the comments, I've been thinking a lot about the word alcoholic and everything associated with it.  These are not new thoughts, in fact I knew I had blogged about this very topic very early on.  I went back to check and it was on day 5!  Day 5...so early on, yet I feel exactly the same on this topic today.  Here is what I wrote back in October:

So, I’ve often thought about the “A” word (alcoholic…there I said it), and have all kinds of thoughts about it. As I was emptying the dishwasher just now I had the scariest thought yet and feel like I need to write about it NOW.

Of course I don’t want to be an alcoholic…who does? I have no problem saying I have a problem with alcohol or a drinking problem. Better yet I can say that I drink alcoholically or that I have an alcoholic mind. But to say “My name is ______ and I’m an alcoholic” …nope can’t do that. Me? Hell no. But that’s not the scary part. I just had a vision of one of my kids saying “My mom’s an alcoholic”. If I want to screw up my own life that’s one thing but to put that kind of stigma on them hardly seems fair. I really don’t like the word and what’s associated with it and honestly can’t say if I am or not. Do I live under a bridge? No. Have I ever had a DUI? No. Do I drink every day? No. Do I consistently drink more that I want to or intend to. Yes. Do I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, shameful, embarrassed and just plain disgusted with myself after a night of drinking. Yes. Am I always the one who drinks more than everyone else? Yes. What does it all mean? As they say, if the shoe fits…

I still feel the same, I don't like the word.  I'm wondering...do I need to get to the place where I can admit it or does it matter?  I feel like I'm doing pretty well and after all...IT'S JUST A WORD!  I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions on this.

Hi, My Name is Sarah and...

Gotcha!

You thought you knew how I was going to finish that sentence, right?  But that is not what this is about.  Well it is and it isn't.  The point of this post is that I have a name and it is Sarah.  

I think it's been pretty egocentric of me to think that anyone would find this blog, figure out it was me and care.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to post a map of my house, throw up a picture of myself or even give my last name. I'd still like to keep a pretty high degree of anonymity, but knowing my name will hopefully make my blog just a little more personable.  

Shirt Craziness

These shirts sell themselves

Hi Everyone!  I am taking a break from my regularly scheduled blogging activities as I have gotten myself involved in a rather large project.  One of my fitness instructors casually mentioned that she'd like to have a shirt made and I casually mentioned that my best friend makes custom shirts and I am now in the middle of putting together a large complicated order as it seems everyone wants one.  I haven't visited any blogs in a few days and I miss you guys but I will catch up soon.

Best part is I haven't had a second to even think about alcohol!

Groundhog Day

Well today the dogs ate the remote, but don't worry...I didn't cry!

The offenders and the evidence

It was also crazy sock day at my favorite fitness class!

Crazy sock day

I'm in a really good mood.  I guess it's a pink cloud day.  I am feeling better and the sun is out.  Also the scale seems to finally be moving in the right direction. It's moving slowly, but I'll take it.  Getting on the scale in the morning can affect my mood for the entire day!

Groundhog day has me thinking of how in the end my drinking pattern had become like a bad version of the movie.  It went something like this:

• Think longingly about how lovely a glass of wine would be
• Convince myself I'd only have one glass (maybe two)
• Drink the whole bottle (sometimes more)
• Wake up at 3 am, unable to sleep
• Try unsuccessfully to understand why I'd had too much once again
• Feel terrible the next day, mentally and physically
• Repeat (not everyday but all to often)

I'm really glad NOT to be doing that anymore!