Saturday, February 21, 2015


Well, I feel like I've been on a real high for quite a few days now but it was bound to come to an end. 

I hate to keep talking about these shirts I've been selling but it's been such a fun project. It's kept me busy and connected me to new friends and old. After coordinating the order and helping make the shirts (over 40 of them), I was able to deliver them yesterday. We all wore them during my exercise class and it was such a fun day. I posted a picture on Facebook of all of us in our shirts and it has over 110 likes, the most ever!  It's been exhausting but I've really had an adrenaline rush throuout. I've even taken orders for more!  

It was a weird coincidence that just as I was gaining quite a few Facebook friends from people from the gym who wanted shirts, a few people from the BFB yahoo group wanted to be Facebook friends as well. So I have lots of new fitness friends and sober friends alike!

Then some friends from a different class wanted shirts and I had my shirt making friend design something but it seems more difficult this time as lots of people are having differing opinions on how it should look. I'm hoping I didn't bite off more than I can chew and nervous to please everyone. 

Anyhow as I was feeling a bit frustrated with my shirt project this afternoon my husband came home from the doctor and asked me to download a book for him. Here's where things really went downhill. The book was about how to not walk on eggshells and get your life back when you live with someone with borderline personality disorder.  So I sort of freaked out. I went in the other room and cried (while googling BPD).  I took a bath and cried some more. 

Don't get me wrong, I mean I know I'm a hot mess but it's a bit different to hear it from someone else. I feel very vulnerable to think about the discussion he must have had with his doctor to end up with that book recommendation. 

In fact I feel vulnerable writing about this here but think it's good to get it off my chest.  It felt good to cry although I feel a bit like I've been on a emotional roller coaster. 

So tonight has been a shitty night and hoping tomorrow will be better. Although I'm suppose to meet with this group of friends at the gym in the morning to agree on shirts. Wish me luck!


  1. Sending you a big hug. It does sound like a tough night. I hope tomorrow is better. Best of luck with the new T-shirt design and the new day! And congrats on getting through another tough moment, sober! xo

  2. Sorry Sarah. That is rough. My wife left out this book - Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

    1. I have been in therapy for two and half years and sober for 14 months so I know I have made big changes and she is reacting to the years when I was dry drunking. By the way it was a bit passive aggressive for your spouse to ask you to download that book yourself. Anyway we all have a little inner borderline in us.

    2. Ha, yes maybe I should leave a book out for him! All kidding aside though I appreciate your thoughts. He says it's not about me but that title just gets me. My first thought was that he wanted me to see the title as a way of telling me something, but he really doesn't know how to download a book so who knows. Our marriage has been struggling for a while and we both need to get into therapy as well!

  3. Definitely a tough night - good for you for hanging in there. You know what Sarah? What your hubs is thinking (and why he's thinking it) is not only out of your control, it's none of your business - I mean that in the nicest possible way, as in since you can't control it and he's probably a hot mess of his own (aren't we all), you just don't have to worry about it or figure out whether it's your fault or your problem or whatever. The only thing you can do is what is the next right thing for YOU to be doing, and everything else (and everybody else) will just fall into place. Or not. But you can't fix, change or control them and it is an exercise in frustration and upset to try.

    I hope things are looking up for you.



    1. Such wise words and I appreciate what you said. You are right. Yes, things are feeling better today, at least my emotions are a bit more stable. Thank you so much!

  4. Dear TMSN,
    I am sorry about the book.
    A good therapist can really help. I have had several super people who help me see things clearly. My hubby and I have had many hard conversations that lead to a much better understanding of addiction. I even had him read some books on alcoholism.
    You are doing so well.
    Just keep getting healthy, having fun, being there for your family.
    Peace and Hugs,

    1. We both know we need therapy. I'm just a little lost as to where to begin. I appreciate your support, as always :)

  5. Hi Sarah
    sorry, I have not been up to date with my reading of your blog. bad friend!
    hey, that's a bit rough matey!!!! I do agree with SR, - unfortunately we can only control ourselves and our own behaviour (goddammit!). It is good that he is trying to be involved and get educated (???????) but just a bit in your face! be strong. and I just wanted to say how I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS you always leave me, they honestly make me ooh and ah as you ALWAYS know the sweetest things to say. so, if that is a 'hot mess', then I love hot messes!!!!!!!!!!
    big hugs you precious thing.

    1. Lisa you made me smile which is the best thing you could have done in this moment. I totally agree with you that it is good for him to be working on himself and even told him so. I'm over the shock of it all now!

  6. Dear TMSN
    That sounds rough and my heart goes out to you. Am sending you BIG virtual hug

    xx Claire