Monday, December 15, 2014

Let's Get Real

Time for some real stuff, the hard shit.  

My marriage is not fantastic.  In fact it's pretty much the opposite of fantastic.  I was originally thinking I'd just not focus on that in my writing here on my blog.  I don't plan to give too much detail or give too much attention to it but of course it is a huge part of my life and related in at least some way to my drinking.

Had quite a long discussion with my husband yesterday.  Neither of us is happy, in fact he is "miserable".  I'm not confident that my marriage will survive for the long term or that either of us wants it to.  Which basically leaves us in a big huge mess.

His main issue with me is that I am very controlling, which I don't dispute.  Basically he feels as if he is walking on eggshells.  If he does the dishes I get mad that he is not doing them right, if he doesn't do the dishes then I get mad that he is not helping.  Or when I ask him for his opinion I get mad that he won't tell me what he really thinks but he is scared to tell me what he really thinks because I'll be upset that he doesn't agree.  That type of stuff.  

In addition, I can just plain be a big fat bitch (that's my word, not his).  Again...I don't dispute that.

He also brought up the fact that we have been fighting in front of the kids.  Even when we are not fighting, we are certainly not modeling a healthy relationship.  Ugh...so true!  Ouch, the truth hurts!

Of course this is a very simplistic description of a huge problem.  Years and years of life has led us to where we are now.  There's no point in airing out all of my dirty laundry here, but I think perhaps acknowledging the problem can be helpful.

I think it was in Jason Vale's book that he said that if your car is broken down and you drink a bottle of wine you will still need a mechanic.  So if my marriage sucks, drinking wine will do nothing to fix it (although it was a nice escape).

Ok, now I feel vulnerable!

10 comments:

  1. totally with you. but I am at the stage of, well my marriage is broken but leaving it will just make more of a mess. change yourself not others unfortunately is what we need to do - sober of course. sucks eh! otherwise we are perpetuating divorce and drunkenness into the next generation.................ouch
    hugs from nz
    Lisa
    www.thecword-compassion.com

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    1. Thanks for being here Lisa. "divorce and drunkenness" ~ yuck! So complicated. Are you saying that leaving the marriage (as in divorce) will create more of a mess? I agree that I can only worry about changing myself and there is lots to work on in that department!

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  2. This is really tough and I'm sorry to hear that you relationship is difficult. I'm prone to controlling behaviour and my OH sounds a bit like yours and as time has gone on things have improved a great deal. There is some wise advice about not making any big changes in the first year as everything is in flux. You may find it gets better the further along you go :) xx

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    1. I really appreciate your comment. It's great to hear from someone who is ahead of me as far as sobriety goes. I totally agree that this does not feel like the right time to make any big changes. It is encouraging to hear that things have gotten better.

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  3. I am sorry. It's not easy being married. My DH was considering divorce after a nasty time when I was drinking. Then we just really started working on it, and things are so much better.
    By not drinking, any decisions you make can be done with a clear head and heart.
    I wish you peace.

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    1. No, it's not easy. Thank you for your reply. It will take work for sure but it is good to hear from others who have been through tough times and are in a better place. You bring up a great point that being sober will allow for much clearer decision making.

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  4. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I think it is normal to go through rough patches especially when you have been together a long time. Hopefully you can work through it together and thing will get better. X

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