The other thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is this feeling that my problem isn't/wasn't that bad. I KNOW I have a problem with alcohol and the way my brain works regarding it. I also know I need/want to stop drinking. I think what's bothering me is when I hear other peoples stories I almost feel guilty for never have gotten "that bad". I love hearing from other people and being able to relate to others has helped me so much. It takes a lot of courage to share terrible things that have happened.
They say alcohol addiction is like an elevator going down and people get off at different floors. While some bad things have happened while drinking, I'd say I never reached a hard rock bottom. So you could say I had a high bottom I suppose. Something else that I keel getting hung up on is the fact that I was not drinking every day or physically addicted. But as I said I KNOW I have a problem and for me this is what defines it:
I would always drink more that I wanted or intended to. Yes there have been times in my life where I really only did have one or two but they were few and far between. Also, anytime when that happened I had to concentrate and focus with all of my strength to make it happen.
The part I hated the most was waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I would lay there and ask myself "WHY"? I would tell myself that I wouldn't do it again, but I always did it again. The feeling of having lost control. Then of course this was followed by a terrible hangover the next day. I would spend my hungover days wishing the day was over and I hated that.
Another indicator for me is the constant obsession in my head regarding alcohol. Always thinking about it. The constant negotiating. It just can't be "normal" to have this going on in my mind ALL THE TIME.