After writing my last post and reading the comments, I've been thinking a lot about the word alcoholic and everything associated with it. These are not new thoughts, in fact I knew I had blogged about this very topic very early on. I went back to check and it was on day 5! Day 5...so early on, yet I feel exactly the same on this topic today. Here is what I wrote back in October:
So, I’ve often thought about the “A” word (alcoholic…there I said it), and have all kinds of thoughts about it. As I was emptying the dishwasher just now I had the scariest thought yet and feel like I need to write about it NOW.
Of course I don’t want to be an alcoholic…who does? I have no problem saying I have a problem with alcohol or a drinking problem. Better yet I can say that I drink alcoholically or that I have an alcoholic mind. But to say “My name is ______ and I’m an alcoholic” …nope can’t do that. Me? Hell no. But that’s not the scary part. I just had a vision of one of my kids saying “My mom’s an alcoholic”. If I want to screw up my own life that’s one thing but to put that kind of stigma on them hardly seems fair. I really don’t like the word and what’s associated with it and honestly can’t say if I am or not. Do I live under a bridge? No. Have I ever had a DUI? No. Do I drink every day? No. Do I consistently drink more that I want to or intend to. Yes. Do I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, shameful, embarrassed and just plain disgusted with myself after a night of drinking. Yes. Am I always the one who drinks more than everyone else? Yes. What does it all mean? As they say, if the shoe fits…
I still feel the same, I don't like the word. I'm wondering...do I need to get to the place where I can admit it or does it matter? I feel like I'm doing pretty well and after all...IT'S JUST A WORD! I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions on this.
So, I’ve often thought about the “A” word (alcoholic…there I said it), and have all kinds of thoughts about it. As I was emptying the dishwasher just now I had the scariest thought yet and feel like I need to write about it NOW.
Of course I don’t want to be an alcoholic…who does? I have no problem saying I have a problem with alcohol or a drinking problem. Better yet I can say that I drink alcoholically or that I have an alcoholic mind. But to say “My name is ______ and I’m an alcoholic” …nope can’t do that. Me? Hell no. But that’s not the scary part. I just had a vision of one of my kids saying “My mom’s an alcoholic”. If I want to screw up my own life that’s one thing but to put that kind of stigma on them hardly seems fair. I really don’t like the word and what’s associated with it and honestly can’t say if I am or not. Do I live under a bridge? No. Have I ever had a DUI? No. Do I drink every day? No. Do I consistently drink more that I want to or intend to. Yes. Do I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, shameful, embarrassed and just plain disgusted with myself after a night of drinking. Yes. Am I always the one who drinks more than everyone else? Yes. What does it all mean? As they say, if the shoe fits…
One more thought. Over the past couple of days I’ve been feeling all kinds of things including an almost out of body experience when I stop and think about that fact that I’m actually doing this. I’m writing this down. I’m going to quit drinking…FOR GOOD. It feels TOO real. Like my brain is on overload. Lots of doubt too. Do I really need to do this? Do I really WANT to do this? For now I’m going to go with…YES!
