Judgement

I'd like to think that I don't judge others, but unfortunately sometimes I find myself doing just that.  When I stop to think about it, I find that it has to do with me...not them.  It is usually based on one of my own insecurities.  Judging them so I can feel better about myself.  Sounds ugly when I put it out there like that.  I am going to work on being more mindful of this.

I've written before on my blog about blogging.  I obviously enjoy it and it is my main connection to other people who are sober.  I really feel like I am making connections with people (yes YOU).  It is strange though for it to be done anonymously.  I understand why (as I am anonymous myself), but sometimes wish there was more.  

Anyhow...all of this rambling about blogging has a point.  As I was checking in on all of my blogging friends yesterday morning I noticed that one of the blogs was gone when I clicked on it.  Just gone.  Today?  Still gone.  So of course I am left wondering what happened.  Is she drinking?  Is she ok?  Will she come back?  I hope she is well and no matter what has happened I hope she will be back.  Of course there is no judgement here, only concern...and the reminder of how fragile sobriety can be.

The sunrises have been beautiful lately.  It's usually as I sit here doing the sober blogging thing that I notice the beautiful pink clouds.  The start of another sober day.

Pink Clouds

Blogs, Blogs and More Blogs

This just in:

I seem to have replaced my obsession with wine with an obsession with sober blogs.  I've recently found a few more that I really like and have added them here on my page.  Makes it much easier for me to find them, see when new posts have been added and share them with anyone who might be reading this.  There are SO MANY out there, I'll never get to them all.

Speaking of people who might be reading this, I'm up to 1248 pageviews (yes quite a few of them are from me clicking on my own blog!)  It's a relatively small number I'm sure but to me it's huge considering a month ago I wasn't sure I wanted anyone to see it.  Now I get so excited with each new pageview and especially when someone comments (yes, I'm talking to you!)  I'm also up to 10 countries and I can't help but wonder if someone in Palestine, Venezuela or Japan is actually reading this and interested or stumbled upon it by mistake?

It took a while to get comfortable but now I am often commenting on other blogs.  Hopefully people won't get sick of me!  I've a had a couple of people who have left just one comment and I'm left wondering if they've been back?  Are they still sober?

When I am falling asleep at night I think about future posts I want to make.  When I have a thought/feeling/experience I imaging writing about it and what I would say. 

Of course the best part is reading someone else's words and feeling like I could have written them myself and this happens on a daily basis!

So is this a healthy obsession?  I certainly think that connecting with others is helpful. I do however feel a strong need for people to like me. I certainly don't want to get wrapped up in feeling self-worth based upon how many hits or comments I get.  I'm sure like all things balance is key. 

Day 24

A cool thing happened last night.  I have been trying to actually comment on blogs instead of just lurking around and then Rachel said she had read my blog.  I got a cool butterfly in the stomach kind of feeling!  I really did love her book, I could relate to it so much.  I will be reading it again soon.

 

The other thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is this feeling that my problem isn't/wasn't that bad.  I KNOW I have a problem with alcohol and the way my brain works regarding it.  I also know I need/want to stop drinking.  I think what's bothering me is when I hear other peoples stories I almost feel guilty for never have gotten "that bad".  I love hearing from other people and being able to relate to others has helped me so much.  It takes a lot of courage to share terrible things that have happened.

 

They say alcohol addiction is like an elevator going down and people get off at different floors.  While some bad things have happened while drinking, I'd say I never reached a hard rock bottom.  So you could say I had a high bottom I suppose.  Something else that I keel getting hung up on is the fact that I was not drinking every day or physically addicted.  But as I said I KNOW I have a problem and for me this is what defines it:

 

I would always drink more that I wanted or intended to.  Yes there have been times in my life where I really only did have one or two but they were few and far between.  Also, anytime when that happened I had to concentrate and focus with all of my strength to make it happen. 

 

The part I hated the most was waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.  I would lay there and ask myself "WHY"?  I would tell myself that I wouldn't do it again, but I always did it again.  The feeling of having lost control.  Then of course this was followed by a terrible hangover the next day.  I would spend my hungover days wishing the day was over and I hated that.

 

Another indicator for me is the constant obsession in my head regarding alcohol.  Always thinking about it.  The constant negotiating.  It just can't be "normal" to have this going on in my mind ALL THE TIME. 

Still Day 23

I must be in the mood for rambling today.  I feel like I have more to say on the topic of will I/won't I ever drink again.  For some reason it feels important to say "I don't know".  I might and I might not.  I don't plan to for a very long time.  I would like to get to day 100, one year, day 500.  In fact, I am going to calculate when day 100 will be.  Ok, according to my calculations, day 100 will be January 26th, 2015.  That's a good starting goal. 

Also, I mentioned a few days ago that I had told a couple of my closest friends of my sobriety (by text, casually).  We text back and forth daily and over the weekend the friend who I'd been most scared to tell made at least 6 comments which irritated me.  She flat out asked if I wanted to come over for a drink and also told me that I was no fun, getting old and that I only live once and should have some fun.  That was hard to hear for someone who is worried about getting old and being no fun!  Of course I hadn't made a big deal about becoming sober but this let me know that it was on her mind.  I mostly ignored the comments and honestly expected them but I did feel irritated.

Day 23

So what I've been struggling with and getting hung up on is FOREVER.  I know...that's why you are suppose to think about it one day at a time and all that.  I keep having these crazy thoughts...what if someone dies, will I drink then?  What if I get diagnosed with a terrible disease, will I drink then?  What if I'm sober for 10 years...will I drink on my 50th birthday?  What if one day I just want to have a drink...will I drink then, and if I do does that mean I have relapsed? (Of course I know I won't just have one drink).

And then I'm thinking about the whole idea of relapse.  I hate the word, it sounds so tragic.  So I'm sitting here thinking...let's say I started this saying I was going to quit drinking for 100 days.  Then on day 100 I would have succeeded.  So if I decided to have a drink on day 101 it would be a bad idea but I wouldn't necessarily consider it a relapse because I had never decided to quit drinking forever in the first place.  But on the other hand if I started out saying I was done for good and had a drink on day 101, or any other day, it would be a failure and a relapse.

I feel like this is a lot of rambling, but these are the crazy thoughts going through my mind lately (and no I'm not planning on drinking anytime soon). 

Wolfie, of course is the name Belle uses for the voice of our addiction.  The voice in your head that convinces you to drink.  One of the classic lines wolfie would always use on me was "You are an adult...you can do what you want.  You can drink if you want to because you are an adult".  Yes I am an adult and I'd like to think instead that it means that I won't drink too much and act like a jackass!

Day 21

Another Saturday with no hangover, it feels good.

Busy with the kids activities today and it feels good to feel good.

Last night was my first time eating out since I officially quit drinking.  On the way to the restaurant I felt grumpy and slightly anxious.  We were meeting my in-laws and I thought there'd be more people there but it turned out to be just them and I was glad for that.  I drank water, my husband had a couple of margaritas.  Overall it was easy and fun and I enjoyed the conversation. 

My mother-in-law is a classic normal drinker.  I have known her for 20 years and NEVER seen her drink too much.  Always one or maybe two.  I have always noticed this and wondered how she did it and never wanted more.  I am aware that my brain does not work like that when it comes to alcohol.

Interestingly, my father-in-law does not drink.  I have seen him have a Bloody Mary maybe 5 times in the past 20 years.  Ever since I first met him I was always fascinated by the fact that he was a non drinker.  I'd often drink a lot and try to persuade him to drink, but it never worked.  I also remember many occasions when I'd been drinking and ask him questions about his non drinking.  I just could not grasp the idea that he just didn't drink.

When questioned last night about the fact that I hadn't ordered a drink I responded simply that I was "cutting down".  My father-in-law joked that he had been cutting down for the past 20 years and I joked back (but was serious) that I was following in his footsteps.

Day 20

Dry January

I've tried this now for the past 3 years and here's how it went.

January 2012 

My brother and sister in law brought up the idea of not drinking in January.  At this point I knew I drank too much but had never seriously thought about quitting for good. I am always trying to lose weight in January and this seemed like a great idea for lots of reasons.  They even had other members of my family on board.  I had good intentions but lasted only about 2 weeks.  We had people over for a football playoff game and it was very easy to talk myself into drinking.  I mean this wasn't even my idea to begin with, right?

January 2013

January went so well I even decided to go into February.  In fact I made it 45 days.  For Valentine's Day my husband wanted to go out for dinner and what's Valentine's Day dinner without wine...

January 2014

I made it exactly 31 days.  I specifically remember wanting wine so badly near the end that I was very focused on drinking again and planning out when and what and how.  I was also very glad that the Super Bowl was in February so I'd be able to drink.

I was planning to start this journey in January of 2015 and I'm glad I decided to start now instead.  By the time January rolls around I'll already be well on my way!

Day 19

Good things are happening today!

I have a running text with 2 of my best friends and this morning I just casually put it out there that I was done drinking for good.  Guess what...the world didn't end.  Time will tell how it will be the next time I'm around them and they are drinking and I'm not but it feels good to put it out there and plant the seed.

Also, I have been missing my group fitness classes for about 6 weeks now because I am trying to recover from plantar fasciitis.  I've been wearing orthotics for a couple of weeks now and went to my dance class today.  It felt so good to be back!

Speaking of exercising...I can think of so many times I went to the gym hung-over because I was trying to prove to myself that my drinking was not a problem.  Of course sometimes I just felt too bad and couldn't make it but as long as I made it to class I could tell myself that I wasn't drinking too much.  One of my favorite classes is on Sunday morning and it will feel so good to feel good in class!

My son (11) had noticed the other day that I had created a blog.  He mentioned it again yesterday so I told him I had decided to stop drinking alcohol because I thought I was drinking too much and that's what the blog was about.   That was really the end of it.  I plan to talk to my kids more about all of this in the future.

Day 18

Things always seem better in the morning. Last night I was grouchy and weepy and just plain in a bad mood. Little things were getting under my skin. I feel so much better this morning after a good night of sleep.  I'm writing this down so I can remind myself that things will be better tomorrow. 

Speaking of the morning. As I'm drinking my coffee, I'm thinking about how much I love coffee and it's one of the things that makes the mornings great. After a night of drinking, one of the ways I would judge the severity of the hangover was based on whether or not I wanted coffee the next morning. Mild to moderate...still wanted coffee. Moderate to severe and the thought made me cringe. One more "gift of sobriety" is enjoying my coffee every day!

Day 14

Well It seems as if my blog has been viewed which is an interesting (vulnerable)feeling.  Still waiting for my first comment!

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with one of my friends at the gym about quitting drinking.  It felt so good to talk about it.  She had a lot of questions and also always has a great perspective on things. 

Of course it was Halloween yesterday and as I was waiting in between trick-or-treaters I was having quite the conversation with myself.  It went like this:

"Maybe my problem isn't that bad, maybe I don't want to do this forever, a glass of wine sounds nice, why am I doing this to myself?"

But both when I climbed into bed and woke up this morning the feeling had passed and I was very glad.  I keep reminding myself about the things I hate about drinking.  In fact, here is a list I made a couple of years ago...note the time I made it, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep because I had been drinking.

I finished Jason Vale's book and am now reading "Mrs. D is Going Without".  I knew I'd love it because of how much her blog spoke to me and its not been a disappointment so far.  I love to read anyway and am especially enjoying the blogs and books I've found lately. 

Here's to a sober November! 

Day 12 October 30, 2014

Something I’ve done a couple of times in the past couple of weeks is Google celebrities who don’t drink. Before I started these searches I’d never even heard of the word “Teetotalers”. I’m quite interested in this actually and here is a list of my favorites.

Bradley Cooper
Kim Kardashian
Matthew Perry
Eminem
Jennifer Lopez
Kelly Osborne
Keith Urban
Jada Pinkett Smith
Tyra Banks
Ben Affleck
Joe Biden
Jim Carrey
Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Phil McGraw
Natalie Portman
Prince
Lana Del Rey
John Travolta
Hal Sparks
Kathy Griffin
Kat Dennings

Still Day 11

As I was driving home tonight I was thinking of how “good” I was during my pregnancies and during the nursing years. And I was and it was not a problem. I’d been quite a partier during college but seemed to be no different than anyone else at the time. It would be much later before I ever entertained the idea that I might have a problem. I can remember ONE time during each of my pregnancies that I had ONE drink. Same while I was nursing.

And then I remembered that there was just one time while I was nursing that probably crossed the line. My daughter was 3 months old and we were at the wedding of two of our closest friends. My husband had taken the baby to the hotel room and I just could not resist having some drinks. The baby was fussy and he had walked back to the reception just as I was taking a shot. I remember him being furious and I was caught. I honestly don’t think I had a ton to drink overall but as I was trying to comfort my daughter, nothing worked. Nothing that is except nursing her. Not my proudest moment.

Other than that though I really had no problem during the first few years of my kids lives. Never missed it and don’t remember ever thinking about it. I do remember the first time I drank a significant amount again. It was Christmas Eve. My kids were 2 and 3 I’m guessing. I drank quite a bit of wine, which at the time was unusual for me. I actually remember saying “I’ve rediscovered drinking tonight”. We have video of that night and I think I’ve only seen it once but I couldn’t stand to watch it. When you are drinking you just don’t know how annoying you really are. This started many years of drinking too much on Christmas Eve and feeling like shit on Christmas Morning. Luckily this year will be different.

Day 11 October 29, 2014

Been in a great mood today and here’s what’s on my mind.

I started reading Jason Vale’s book yesterday. I’ve seen it mentioned in lots of places and so far I’m very interested and fascinated with it. It’s really giving me a lot to think about. Only about 30% through it but excited to read more.

Random thought I had last night. For whatever reason I’ve never been interested in drinking alcohol on an airplane. It’s one of the few places that I just really never wanted it, and wouldn’t drink it. Not exactly sure why but it’s an interesting thought.

For me one of the worst things about drinking and one of the best things about not drinking has to do with sleep. The worst thing for me has always been waking up in the middle of the night regretting drinking too much and not being able to fall back asleep. Laying there for hours on end beating myself up. Absolutely HATE that. On the other hand I much prefer getting into bed at night when I haven’t been drinking, not to mention the fact that I’ll sleep through and wake up feeling good! Long story short, today I bought myself a new “sobriety blanket”. It’s super soft and warm and a beautiful color. Just something to look forward to at the end of the day and a small reminder for me.

One more thought…I was reading on someone’s blog about getting a tattoo regarding their sobriety. Of course I thought…not me. But then I thought about it more and I sort of want to do this. Maybe after a year? I’ve seen white tattoos on Pinterest and what a great way to do it. It’s there but can hardly be seen. My thought would be to get “not today” on the inside of my wrist. I’ll think about this for a while…

Day 10 October 28, 2014

So what I want to do today is write about May-October of this year. Basically the key events that happened during that time to bring me to where I am today.

In May 2014, I had a particularly bad drinking day. It was a Sunday, probably about 2:00 and I started my usual “a glass of wine sounds nice” routine. I played a board game with my family (wine was pretty much required to do this), my husband put steaks on the barbeque…sounds like a great afternoon. But it was not a great afternoon. The wine was going down even faster than normal and soon after I ate that steak I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up. Who does that? What kind of a mom is puking in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? Of course I got it in my hair so I got in the shower and then proceeded to pass out on my bed in nothing but a T shirt and underwear. I vaguely recall my family coming in and out of the room and looking back I can only wonder what my kids must have been thinking. So I woke up feeling like shit with 3 empty wine bottles on the counter. I managed to get the kids to school, stopped for Gatorade and coconut water, took a detox bath…anything to feel better. I didn’t feel better. I slept until it was just time to pick up my kids. It was one of many days I’d spend just wishing that day was over so I could go to sleep and feel better tomorrow. It wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts about my drinking being a problem, or that I needed to quit. So this began my second “official” attempt at quitting. I made it 47 days.

I was proud of myself, the 47 days were not even that hard. I did lots of things without alcohol including a birthday dinner. I was on fire…and then I went on vacation. I did not have a clear plan about drinking on vacation other than to “see how it goes”. Of course one of the best things about vacations had always been drinking and as soon as the opportunity presented itself I could not resist. It wasn’t an easy decision and I actually thought long and hard about it. I’d have to reset the app on my phone that was counting the days from 47 to ZERO. But the alcohol won and I drank on most days of that vacation. Nothing extreme, one day with a moderate hangover. But once I’d started again I couldn’t get myself back on track.

That was at the beginning of July, and once I’d started again I saw no reason to stop. Especially considering that my best friend was coming in to town at the end of the month. I have a 3 close friends who I’ve known since Jr. High and High school. We get together every summer with our families and then also once a year for a girls weekend, drinking is always a focal point. This summer, the timing of my best friend coming to town also correlated with one of the other friends turning 40. There was a big party planned. My best friend and the one who was turning 40 are both very normal drinkers, with the other friend and I being the heavier drinkers, the party girls…she was my drinking buddy. My husband had mentioned wanting to drink at this event and knowing full well that I’d go overboard I causally mentioned to my drinking buddy that maybe I’d drive (not drink). She was upset to say the least. I really wanted to please her and of course I really WANTED to drink. So I drank. A lot. I’m not going to lie, the night was a lot of fun. After quite a few drinks I actually remember bringing up the fact that I thought I drank too much. Someone said “if you think you have a problem you probably do” So true.

We had our annual girls weekend just a few weeks ago. I did drink, but surprisingly not too much. I remember thinking that it felt so much better to NOT be severely hungover! Of course I couldn’t stop drinking before this weekend but once it was over I felt that I was ready to try again and here I am. If I stay sober as I plan to, next years summer and fall gatherings with my best friends will be some of the most difficult for me. However, they are my best friends and I know that they will support me.

Labor day was in there too…I drank A LOT…you get the idea.

Day 9 October 27, 2014

I went to the liquor store today. I’d gone through the wine we did have in the house pretty quick before I decided to stop and seeing as how my husband has no problem with alcohol my plan is to have it in the house for him. I also wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I did my usual routine of walking around and picking up inexpensive bottles of wine. I felt like I should be shouting “don’t worry I’m not going to drink it!”

I also started reading “Sober is the New Black”. I love it and can totally relate to it. I’m 60% done and will finish it in the morning

Day 8 October 26, 2014

It’s Sunday night and I’m tired. Not going to lie, I thought about wine today. A lot. Sort of like when I go on a no carb diet and all I want is bread. I wasn’t thinking about it like I was actually going to drink it, but wishing I was a normal drinker so I could. They featured a new drink on shark tank and it sounded good and the sharks loved it and it was this moment of feeling sorry for myself because I’ll never get to taste it. And then I’m thinking that I don’t HAVE to do this forever and the thoughts go back and forth. Never ending. I will say that as I’m getting ready to get into bed I really do love crawling into bed much better when I haven’t been drinking. It’s such a better experience.

Day 7 October 25, 2014

I feel great today. My son had his first basketball game of the season. He played at my old School and it was so fun and weird to go inside. But the best part is that am not hungover today as I have been so often on Saturday mornings in the past. I enjoyed the game instead of wishing it was over because I didn’t feel good.

So It is one week since the last time I had a drink. Last Saturday was actually pretty uneventful in the grand scheme of my life as a drinker. At about 3:00 I found myself home entirely alone. So I pulled out a bottle of white wine from the fridge. It was a little less than half full and I told myself I’d finish it and wouldn’t need any more. It was a gorgeous day outside, so I sat with my wine and soon felt the desire to open another bottle (red, my preferred choice). I didn’t finish that bottle, I left about an inch or two in the bottom. I played Candy Crush, watched a good football game and went to bed. Nothing “bad” happened. Then I woke up in the middle of the night AGAIN, couldn’t sleep AGAIN, felt like shit AGAIN.

At this point I’d already admitted to myself that I had a problem, contemplated quitting, and in fact had thought about quitting for a year on January 1 2015. It would be so much easier to quit after the holidays were over. But for some reason the thought occurred to me that I could start NOW instead and by January I’d already have over 60 days under my belt. I didn’t make a firm commitment to quit as I lay there in the night but over the next few days I found some awesome blogs and have been totally fascinated this week in reading them. I started this a couple of days later.

So here I am on day 7.

Oh…almost forgot. I told my husband this morning. It was almost uneventful. Of course I’ve said similar things before but I did include the fact that this was “for good” and I have “a problem”. He asked how he can help and I’m not even sure at this point. As they say…the cat’s out of the bag!

Day 6 October 24, 2014

I fell asleep right away last night! Only wish my dogs wouldn’t have gotten up at 5:30.

So I joined a support group on yahoo. Been reading the messages all week and decided it would be a good idea to participate…be accountable. I even decided to sign it with my first name. Thought I’d figured it out but then the message came across with my first and LAST name. It freaked me out. I’m sure no one will know me but wasn’t ready for that. Darn technology…I’d tried so hard for that not to happen, even created a new email address this week. Well it’s out there now.

Still Day 5...again...I guess I'm on a roll today

So, I’ve often thought about the “A” word (alcoholic…there I said it), and have all kinds of thoughts about it. As I was emptying the dishwasher just now I had the scariest thought yet and feel like I need to write about it NOW.

Of course I don’t want to be an alcoholic…who does? I have no problem saying I have a problem with alcohol or a drinking problem. Better yet I can say that I drink alcoholically or that I have an alcoholic mind. But to say “My name is ______ and I’m an alcoholic” …nope can’t do that. Me? Hell no. But that’s not the scary part. I just had a vision of one of my kids saying “My mom’s an alcoholic”. If I want to screw up my own life that’s one thing but to put that kind of stigma on them hardly seems fair. I really don’t like the word and what’s associated with it and honestly can’t say if I am or not. Do I live under a bridge? No. Have I ever had a DUI? No. Do I drink every day? No. Do I consistently drink more that I want to or intend to. Yes. Do I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, shameful, embarrassed and just plain disgusted with myself after a night of drinking. Yes. Am I always the one who drinks more than everyone else? Yes. What does it all mean? As they say, if the shoe fits…

One more thought. Over the past couple of days I’ve been feeling all kinds of things including an almost out of body experience when I stop and think about that fact that I’m actually doing this. I’m writing this down. I’m going to quit drinking…FOR GOOD. It feels TOO real. Like my brain is on overload. Lots of doubt too. Do I really need to do this? Do I really WANT to do this? For now I’m going to go with…YES!

Still Day 5

I have never thought of myself as a writer or ever considered the possibility that I would like to write but now that I have started this blog I feel like I can’t stop and am constantly thinking about things I want to write about.

So as I was just making myself some breakfast I was thinking about the fact that tomorrow is Friday and it will most likely be the hardest day for me so far because it’s FRIDAY and who doesn’t want to have a drink on Friday? Then I was thinking that tomorrow I will write about what I was doing the previous Friday (drinking) and I realized that that wasn’t true. The previous Friday I spent hung over because I had too much wine the previous Thursday. Why was I drinking last Thursday? I’ll tell you. My daughter’s evening activities were cancelled (I didn’t have to drive) and my husband would be home late (no one would have to know). Of course my kids were home with me all night watching me drink but somehow I had convinced myself that this was ok.

So here’s how the night went. I got home from picking up the kids at school and immediately opened the bottle of red wine. I drank that wine while making lunches for the following day, cleaning the kitchen, kids doing homework (I was happy to be having the wine because surely it was making these mundane tasks so much more bearable). I’m sure I told myself as I usually did that I’d just have one glass. Then we watched some of our favorite TV shows. At some point I finished the bottle, put the it in the recycle bin and the glass in the dishwasher and we all went to bed. Nothing “bad” happened. But what kind of example is that setting for my kids?

A few days later I asked my son if he wanted to watch The Biggest Loser and proceeded to turn it on. He said that we had already watched that episode. I was staring at the TV but it wasn’t ringing a bell. Honestly sometimes TV is so mindless that I don’t remember it even when watching it when sober (or at least that’s what I tell myself). But as I was watching this show I realized that we must have watched it last Thursday when I was into the bottom of the bottle of wine I had been drinking. I laughed it off, and deleted the episode. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not like I blacked out and forgot the entire night. I remember it generally, I know I watched TV with my kids. The specifics just aren’t there. Is this the end of the world? No. Is this a problem? Yes.