My Sober Vacation

Just got back in to town and managed to stay SOBER through an entire vacation!  We had a great time.  One of my biggest fears before getting sober was vacations/special events, and now I know I can do it.  On the plane ride there I watched the documentary called Lipstick and Liquor, and also listened to the Bubble Hour episode about the documentary.  I would recommend it.  

I'm not going to lie, I had a few moments of longing for a drink. Especially a fruity cocktail on the beach...but the craving went away quickly.  I also allowed myself to eat anything and everything on this trip, so that helped. The most amazing part was that I slept great and had no hangovers!  Here are a couple of pictures.

The kids and I with our "Magic Bands"

One of the many yummy meals I ate

Beautiful sunset on the beach

How NOT to Vacation

In a couple of short weeks, I'll be going on my first ever sober vacation. Even when I vacationed while pregnant I allowed myself one strawberry daiquiri!  It's been a while since I wrote about some of the bad drinking experiences I've had, but I want to write about one more here so it will serve as a reminder to me.

It was the summer of 2013.  Trip to California (wine country) for my brother's wedding.  One of my best friends lives in the area so as a bonus she would be along for the festivities.  A day long wine tasting excursion was planned for the first full day we were there.  Leading up to the trip I was worried about how I'd be able to handle wine tasting all day, but as it turns out I was way too hungover to even enjoy it.

As soon as we got to our hotel room there was a gift bottle of wine waiting for us.  I opened it before my husband could even put the suitcases down. The rest of the evening was spent at the pool so the kids could swim and the adults could "relax".  Throughout the evening different friends and family members came and went, always with more wine.  

Just a "few" of the bottles from that night

Long story short, I woke up in the hotel room with one of the worst hangovers of my life and a sink full of vomit.  Yep, I got sick in the sink in the very hotel room where my kids were sleeping a few feet away.  Who does that? NOT my proudest moment. Cleaning it up should have been punishment enough, but the whole next day of wine tasting was completely ruined because I felt so terrible. The day after the wedding was also ruined because of a hangover.  TWO full days of this trip were spent feeling miserable.  I will not do that again!

Fun and Games

My poor early blooming crocus flowers

We are having a nice little snowstorm here today.  The kids are out of school for President's Day so it will be a bit harder to get myself to the gym, but I'm going! I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seat wondering how my weight loss is coming along.  It is going slowly, but going.  I have been a pound lighter on each of the past 3 Monday mornings!  I feel like my issues with food mimic my issues with alcohol in so many ways.  Some times I feel such a strong urge to eat, just as I would to drink.  To take away the bad feelings.  But you HAVE to eat so it gets tricky.

Yesterday I tried non-alcoholic wine for the first time.  I've had such mixed feelings about this subject.  A while back some people on the BFB were talking about non alcoholic beer and which kinds taste best, etc.  I decided I was going to buy some and then I started obsessing about it in my head.  Thinking about buying it, opening it and drinking it.  Wanting that feeling and then remembering it would not give me that feeling.  It scared me a little so I decided not to buy any...seemed as if I was perhaps not ready.  Then right before Christmas I bought a bottle of non-alcoholic wine as I thought I might want it over the holidays.  I was scared to open it and it has been sitting on my counter ever since.  

I've mentioned before that playing board games with my family is a huge trigger for me.  I hate admitting that as I feel like a horrible person, but sadly it's true. So yesterday my husband went to the store and came home with a new board game and two bottles of wine.  I cringed inside just a bit.  I really wanted some wine if I was going to sit down and play.  So I debated a bit and then decided to try the non-alcoholic version.  The process of getting the wine glass out of the cabinet and holding it in my hand...the sound of the wine pouring, it was so familiar.  Because I've been counting calories I didn't want to drink too much of the stuff so I measured out my portion and tasted it.  It didn't necessarily taste good but it didn't taste bad either.  I had two glasses (1/2 cup each/70 calories total...lol).  

All in all it was an interesting experience.  I'm not really looking forward to the next time I will drink it but I think in certain situations it could be really helpful. The other thing I noticed was how quickly the craving passed.  It was a strong craving but by the time we sat down to play it was gone.  I need to remember that.

Yesterday was a Hot Mess

I'd call yesterday a bad day.  I was super grouchy.

First thing I did was get on the scale.  I knew pretty much exactly what it would say but I was disappointed anyway.  I've done this yo-yo dieting thing enough times to know that losing weight takes time and yet I want immediate results. After all, I've been staying within my calorie limit for almost 2 weeks and I went to the gym 6 out out 7 days last week.  Surely I'd have lost 15 pounds by now. Guess what...I haven't!

Then I went to they gym which was actually fun as I love my Sunday class.  On the way home I found out that there was an extra ticket for the playoff football game.  This should be exciting news, and it was.  It's just that I knew it would be challenging as I'd just gone to a game a couple of weeks ago.  We sit in a suite complete with a bar, bartender and food buffet.  Last time I drank tea and ate the yummy food.  This time I drank tea and ate 2 pickles!  My attitude was terrible.  I wanted to be holding a huge plastic cup filled with foamy beer.  

I wanted to enjoy the game and I did somewhat but I was filled with negative thoughts.  My own temper tantrum in my head.  WHY CAN'T I HAVE DRINKS? Everyone else is having drinks.  Why can't I be a normal drinker?  Maybe this no drinking thing was a BAD idea.  AND...this was MY idea...why exactly am I doing this to myself?

I also failed all day to have any civilized conversation with my husband. Instead, every word that came out of my mouth was either bitchy, accusatory or lecturing.  YUCK!

I was even on the brink of tears a couple of times.

I've heard other sober people talk of this magical land where they LIKE being sober.  People have said they enjoy social events sober and even have fun!  I need a map to this magical place because I was nowhere near there yesterday.

Today will be better :)

The Bad, the Good and the Fluffy

I've got a couple of things to write about this morning.  One is a very serious situation happening in my life and how I'm reacting to it and the other is a totally ridiculous reality TV show I'm watching.  I'll start with the serious and end with the fluff.

A member of my husbands family is dealing with a very serious health issue and unfortunately I've not handled it very well.  When it first happened I had my feelings hurt because I was not on the group text and did not find out right away.  My husband was at work and he and I didn't communicate about it right away either.  After a visit to the hospital (on which I should have accompanied him) my husband came home emotionally drained and instead of being supportive and helpful I was a huge baby because MY feelings were hurt. Needless to say that conversation didn't go well.  The last thing I wanted to do is argue with my husband during a tragedy, yet that was what was happening.  

I went to bed and told myself that I'd do better.  I needed to realize that this was not about ME!  The people who were on the group text were the ones who should have been.  I really felt like I needed to grow up and act like an adult. That was two days ago and I do think yesterday was a bit better. I accompanied my husband to the hospital and then left to pick up the kids from school.  He came home quite a bit later and was very upset. I wanted to know what was going on but I think the mistake I made was asking him the minute he walked in.  He was visibly upset and I think waiting and letting him have time to decompress would have been better.

Again...today will be better.  I think the most frustrating thing is knowing I'm acting in an unhealthy way but still doing it anyway.  It can be so hard to change behavior.

Now for the fluff!

The fluff is The Bachelor...one of my favorite guilty pleasures!  I love it and have watched for such a long time.  There is so much alcohol on that show!  I just watched the first episode of the season and there was one poor girl who drank so much she could hardly stand up (and she got a rose!)  Of course I would never be on the show but if I was a can guarantee I would be the one who would have drank too much!  Also they always drink wine on the dates.  It is such a glamorous image of wine drinking.  I would always wonder how they could do that for so many nights in a row without being hungover, how they could sip the wine so slowly.  Now I know that they are most likely normal drinkers, it just seems so foreign to me and the way I use to drink.

So there it is.  The bad (terrible things happen), the good (I'm aware of my issues and working on them), and the fluff (gotta love reality TV). 

The Pink Cloud

Yesterday, I was enjoying my typical Saturday morning routine of drinking coffee and reading sober blogs.  I was reading another blogger talking about the pink clouds of sobriety and I looked outside my window to find my very own literal pink cloud.  After I snapped this picture, my son woke up and suggested I put on some Christmas music.

All of this happened as I was freezing because our furnace stopped working the night before (Friday) and the repairman couldn't get here Saturday.  When things like this happen I tend to get hugely overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, upset.  I really needed this "pink cloud moment" and it seemed to be created just when I needed it.  A reminder that everything will be OK and to stop and enjoy a content moment in the midst of chaos.

Turns out the furnace was an easy fix.  One tripped switch reset and all was well.  And I was SO stressed out.  Maybe I need to learn to wait and see if there is anything to be upset about before I get so worked up!

Last night I told my dad and step-mom that I've quit drinking as they shared a bottle of wine with my husband.  "We only need 3 glasses," I told the waiter.  It was a relief to tell them before Christmas day as now the pressure is off.  My step-mom said "good for you," and my dad asked me if I was feeling better.  I said I was sleeping much better and we had a good discussion about that. Seems he often wakes in the middle of the night and he wondered if he'd sleep better without alcohol.  "Yes," I said "you would definitely sleep better."

Dirty Dishes

I just started the dishwasher for what seems like the 100th time in the past 5 days.  It is simply amazing the amount of dishes two almost teenagers and a husband can create when they are home from work and school.  Tomorrow things will be back to normal for 3 weeks and then winter break will be here and we'll start again. 

In the past, any time there was a break from the normal routine of school and activities it was an excuse to drink more.  Any time the dishes were piled up high in the sink I couldn't help but think of how a glass of wine would make the task so much better (which is pretty ironic because in the long run I'd lose all motivation to do anything while drinking).   

I have proven to myself over the past 5 days that I CAN in fact do the dishes without wine.  I can play board games without wine.  I can survive a major holiday without wine.  I can tell my friends and family that I no longer drink.

December will be difficult but I do feel confident in my ability to remain sober.  I feel very determined as my sober momentum continues to grow slowly but surly. 

Looking forward to a sober December.  Who's with me?

"One Time When Mom Was Drunk"

I hated writing that title and I hate the fact that those words came out of my daughter's mouth just the other day.  She was talking about something I had said while drinking and it was true and it was something I would have said whether or not I had been drinking.  But even though I did say it and do believe it, it doesn't change the fact that she was aware of the drinking and thinks it changes what I say and how I act.

Yesterday was a trigger filled day for me.  No school, no evening activities, slight boredom.  A perfect day to open a bottle of wine (early) and drink all afternoon (I didn't).  Then my husband came home from work and poured himself a glass of wine and wanted to play a board game.  Board games are a huge trigger for me.  I feel like such a shitty person when I say this but for whatever reason I always felt like I needed wine to sit down and play a game with my family.  I remember the first time we taught the kids how to play Monopoly.  There were three empty wine bottles on the counter by the time the game was over.

Even though the thought made me grumpy, last night I poured myself a sparkling water/cranberry drink with lime and played cards with my family.  It can be done!  Then I watched with fascination as my husband finished his (ONE!) glass of wine and put the glass in the sink.  I was thinking that one would have never been enough for me.  It's always so crazy to me when someone really does just drink one glass of wine.

Today is Thanksgiving.  I'm starting with my favorite exercise class at the gym and I'm cooking a turkey for the first time in my life!  There might be more board games in my future this afternoon and I'm ready!

Focus on the Mashed Potatoes

Thanksgiving is different this year. 

Not only am I going to be sober, but our usual plans have fallen apart. 

The holidays stress me out.  We have lots of family near us.  My parents (who are divorced), and also my in-laws.  I love having so many people around us who love us, but it always causes me stress on holidays because we cannot be in more than one place at a time.  As a people pleaser, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  We've tried different things over the years...visiting multiple places during the same day, trading off years at different places, celebrating with some people on a different day.

This year it looks as though we may be spending Thanksgiving at home and celebrating with some of my family on the Saturday after.  I've never cooked a turkey in my life...can you believe it?  This might just be the year.  I told my husband I'd be fine to order pizza but I really think he wants to give it a try.

I think I associate Thanksgiving more than any other holiday with wine.  It's the first thing I think of.  The second thing I think of is mashed potatoes (yum!).  This year I will look forward to and focus on the mashed potatoes.