My Sober Vacation

Just got back in to town and managed to stay SOBER through an entire vacation!  We had a great time.  One of my biggest fears before getting sober was vacations/special events, and now I know I can do it.  On the plane ride there I watched the documentary called Lipstick and Liquor, and also listened to the Bubble Hour episode about the documentary.  I would recommend it.  

I'm not going to lie, I had a few moments of longing for a drink. Especially a fruity cocktail on the beach...but the craving went away quickly.  I also allowed myself to eat anything and everything on this trip, so that helped. The most amazing part was that I slept great and had no hangovers!  Here are a couple of pictures.

The kids and I with our "Magic Bands"

One of the many yummy meals I ate

Beautiful sunset on the beach

How NOT to Vacation

In a couple of short weeks, I'll be going on my first ever sober vacation. Even when I vacationed while pregnant I allowed myself one strawberry daiquiri!  It's been a while since I wrote about some of the bad drinking experiences I've had, but I want to write about one more here so it will serve as a reminder to me.

It was the summer of 2013.  Trip to California (wine country) for my brother's wedding.  One of my best friends lives in the area so as a bonus she would be along for the festivities.  A day long wine tasting excursion was planned for the first full day we were there.  Leading up to the trip I was worried about how I'd be able to handle wine tasting all day, but as it turns out I was way too hungover to even enjoy it.

As soon as we got to our hotel room there was a gift bottle of wine waiting for us.  I opened it before my husband could even put the suitcases down. The rest of the evening was spent at the pool so the kids could swim and the adults could "relax".  Throughout the evening different friends and family members came and went, always with more wine.  

Just a "few" of the bottles from that night

Long story short, I woke up in the hotel room with one of the worst hangovers of my life and a sink full of vomit.  Yep, I got sick in the sink in the very hotel room where my kids were sleeping a few feet away.  Who does that? NOT my proudest moment. Cleaning it up should have been punishment enough, but the whole next day of wine tasting was completely ruined because I felt so terrible. The day after the wedding was also ruined because of a hangover.  TWO full days of this trip were spent feeling miserable.  I will not do that again!

Day 48 ~ It's a Mental Game

Day 48 is significant to me because the last time I "quit drinking", I drank on day 48.  I will not drink today.

Here's a brief recap of what happened last time. 

May 2014 

Day 0.  It was a Sunday, for no apparent reason I started drinking wine early and fast.  By the middle of the afternoon I had vomited and passed out.

Day 1.  Really bad hangover.  Guilt.  Shame.  The usual "I'm never drinking again."  But I felt pretty serious this time. 

Days 2-47.  I was feeling good, I was doing it.

July 2014

Day 48.  I went on vacation.  Wolfie was there although at the time I still had never heard it called that.  He said lots of things to me that day:

"You are on vacation, you can't have fun without drinking"

"You have made it for so long, you deserve a reward (wine)"

"Let's see how it goes, if a drinking opportunity presents itself and you want to drink you can"

"Everyone else on this trip will be drinking"

"You love wine"
"You need wine"

"You know you want to"

"You have never succeeded in quitting before"

"You aren't quitting forever so why not drink today"

 

I really did think long and hard about it.  I did not want to reset the counter on my phone to day 1.  I feel like my "let's see what happens" attitude was the reason for my ultimate decision to drink.  I am hoping the next time I go on vacation I will have a different outlook from the beginning.  I will know that I'm not going to drink and that there is no reason to have this crazy conversation in my head. 

Still Day 4

I feel good. Just got back from the gym and listened to the bubble hour (Mrs. D was the guest) while I was on the bike.

OK, time to write about something real. One of my worst nights of drinking, after which I first realized I might have a problem and had my first “official” attempt at quitting. I feel and hope that writing this down will be healing.

Spring break, 2012. Our last night in Hawaii. Mai Tai’s all afternoon at the pool followed by who knows how much wine during dinner. I woke up with a bad hangover, really bad. In fact, it was so bad I asked my husband to go downstairs and get me a beer. He did and I drank it first thing in the morning hoping to feel better. My 10 year old daughter who was sleeping in bed with me woke up and immediately and excitedly asked me about the tooth she had lost the night before. She wanted to know where I had put it for safe keeping. I had no idea what she was talking about.

In the past, after a night of heavy drinking, I often woke with a foggy memory of the night before. Then someone would mention something and it would slowly come back to me in bits and pieces. Not this time. I had absolutely no memory of the lost tooth. In fact, I had only a vague memory of arriving at dinner, eating dinner and drinking lots of wine but nothing after that. Nothing. I racked my brain, searched my mind hoping for something. I looked around in places I might have put the tooth and never did find it.

Lots of guilt/shame/embarrassment about this night. Lots of emotion, in fact I started to cry as I began to type this. Not only did I loose the precious tooth, but not having even the faintest memory of the night before scared me. How can that make sense to a child? AND, what else had happened the night before? I was with my family, my children! What did I say, How did I act?

I came back from that trip thinking that this could be my rock bottom. For the first time I seriously wanted to quit drinking FOREVER. I wasn’t ready. I quit for about 3 weeks.