Say Something

I don't have much to say but I feel like I should say something.  I hate leaving my last post out there without following up to say things are back to normal.  I don't even know what "normal" means, but I am over my freak-out from the weekend.  I appreciate the support from everyone.

I'm still busy with shirts!  I've sold 70 shirts for my dance jam class and I also take a step aerobics class and we are working on shirts to surprise the instructor with.

Lately, I rarely think about alcohol.  The thoughts slip in but they are quick to slip right back out.  When I was at my friends office working on the shirts she showed me a video of a cruise she wants to take.  Lot's of images of people drinking wine, wine glasses, having fun, relaxing.  Stuff like that is triggery for me.  I felt a longing for the wine, but it quickly passed.

The scale is also moving in the right direction, I'm finally seeing a slight change in the way I look :)

Happy Sober Thursday!

Fun and Games

My poor early blooming crocus flowers

We are having a nice little snowstorm here today.  The kids are out of school for President's Day so it will be a bit harder to get myself to the gym, but I'm going! I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seat wondering how my weight loss is coming along.  It is going slowly, but going.  I have been a pound lighter on each of the past 3 Monday mornings!  I feel like my issues with food mimic my issues with alcohol in so many ways.  Some times I feel such a strong urge to eat, just as I would to drink.  To take away the bad feelings.  But you HAVE to eat so it gets tricky.

Yesterday I tried non-alcoholic wine for the first time.  I've had such mixed feelings about this subject.  A while back some people on the BFB were talking about non alcoholic beer and which kinds taste best, etc.  I decided I was going to buy some and then I started obsessing about it in my head.  Thinking about buying it, opening it and drinking it.  Wanting that feeling and then remembering it would not give me that feeling.  It scared me a little so I decided not to buy any...seemed as if I was perhaps not ready.  Then right before Christmas I bought a bottle of non-alcoholic wine as I thought I might want it over the holidays.  I was scared to open it and it has been sitting on my counter ever since.  

I've mentioned before that playing board games with my family is a huge trigger for me.  I hate admitting that as I feel like a horrible person, but sadly it's true. So yesterday my husband went to the store and came home with a new board game and two bottles of wine.  I cringed inside just a bit.  I really wanted some wine if I was going to sit down and play.  So I debated a bit and then decided to try the non-alcoholic version.  The process of getting the wine glass out of the cabinet and holding it in my hand...the sound of the wine pouring, it was so familiar.  Because I've been counting calories I didn't want to drink too much of the stuff so I measured out my portion and tasted it.  It didn't necessarily taste good but it didn't taste bad either.  I had two glasses (1/2 cup each/70 calories total...lol).  

All in all it was an interesting experience.  I'm not really looking forward to the next time I will drink it but I think in certain situations it could be really helpful. The other thing I noticed was how quickly the craving passed.  It was a strong craving but by the time we sat down to play it was gone.  I need to remember that.

It's Official...I'm Sick

With so much sickness going around this winter I've been lucky so far.  In fact, I haven't been sick at all since I quit drinking.  I've felt it coming on the past couple of days and tried to deny it, tried to load up on vitamins.   This morning when I woke up I could not deny it anymore...I'm officially sick. It's a cold...not the end of the world.  It's interesting though that I have gotten so use to feeling good when I wake up in the morning that it was strange to wake up this morning and NOT feel good.  

I tried to talk myself out of going to the gym this morning and then remembered all the times I went to the gym with a hangover (feeling much worse), just to prove that I wasn't feeling that bad and didn't have a problem. So I did go this morning but may stay home to rest tomorrow if I'm not feeling better, after all I don't have anything to prove anymore! 

Some people have said that being sick is a trigger to drink.  I really don't feel that way and never have.  Although there was this one time in college that I specifically remember.  I was sick with a cold and went out drinking. I drank so much that my cold was completely GONE the next day.  I use to tell this story to brag, but as I think of it now I can only imagine just how much alcohol must have been in my system to completely knock out that virus...yuck!

The only thing I'll be drinking this afternoon is hot tea!

It's the Most Wonderful (trigger-filled) Time of the Year!

Now that my kids are officially on winter break and we will have a couple of weeks off of our regularly scheduled evening activities I find myself in the beginning of what's normally my heaviest drinking time of the year.  In the past, I wouldn't even contemplate not drinking during this time of the year. Sure, I've tried dry January before.  That is much easier for me because it seems everyone is much more health conscious in January.  But during the holidays...no way, not me.

Except it is me now.  

I've spent the last couple of weeks relatively free of thoughts of alcohol.  This has been in part due to my obsession with a certain podcast that ended yesterday.  Then last night I was having those romantic thoughts of wine for the first time in a while.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  The sound of the the wine pouring in the glass, the way the glass feels in your hand, the instant "happy" feeling.  Also mixed in were thoughts of how unfair it is that I can't "drink like a normal person."

I've gotten much better though at "thinking through the drink."  Yes, it might feel good for maybe an hour at the most, but then what happens?  Well, I'd finish the bottle (maybe more), sleep like shit, feel terrible physically and mentally the next day, have foggy memories of the night before, not be present for my kids, etc.  

This year is different.  I'm confident I can make it through the next couple of weeks without drinking, but not so confident that I wont miss it.

"One Time When Mom Was Drunk"

I hated writing that title and I hate the fact that those words came out of my daughter's mouth just the other day.  She was talking about something I had said while drinking and it was true and it was something I would have said whether or not I had been drinking.  But even though I did say it and do believe it, it doesn't change the fact that she was aware of the drinking and thinks it changes what I say and how I act.

Yesterday was a trigger filled day for me.  No school, no evening activities, slight boredom.  A perfect day to open a bottle of wine (early) and drink all afternoon (I didn't).  Then my husband came home from work and poured himself a glass of wine and wanted to play a board game.  Board games are a huge trigger for me.  I feel like such a shitty person when I say this but for whatever reason I always felt like I needed wine to sit down and play a game with my family.  I remember the first time we taught the kids how to play Monopoly.  There were three empty wine bottles on the counter by the time the game was over.

Even though the thought made me grumpy, last night I poured myself a sparkling water/cranberry drink with lime and played cards with my family.  It can be done!  Then I watched with fascination as my husband finished his (ONE!) glass of wine and put the glass in the sink.  I was thinking that one would have never been enough for me.  It's always so crazy to me when someone really does just drink one glass of wine.

Today is Thanksgiving.  I'm starting with my favorite exercise class at the gym and I'm cooking a turkey for the first time in my life!  There might be more board games in my future this afternoon and I'm ready!

Still Day 25

Look at me, I'm posting twice on a day when I had nothing to say.

It's cold and snowy here today (which I love), and my daughters evening activities have been cancelled.  This is a trigger for me as normally what I would have done upon learning we were in for the evening is immediately open a bottle of wine and have "just one glass".  Just one glass would equal a bottle of course.

Instead, what I am going to do is light a candle, drink some hot tea and read a book.  Maybe light a fire, hang out with my kids, watch some TV?

No, I will not be drinking wine.  Yes, I'll probably be thinking about drinking wine.