Day 23

So what I've been struggling with and getting hung up on is FOREVER.  I know...that's why you are suppose to think about it one day at a time and all that.  I keep having these crazy thoughts...what if someone dies, will I drink then?  What if I get diagnosed with a terrible disease, will I drink then?  What if I'm sober for 10 years...will I drink on my 50th birthday?  What if one day I just want to have a drink...will I drink then, and if I do does that mean I have relapsed? (Of course I know I won't just have one drink).

And then I'm thinking about the whole idea of relapse.  I hate the word, it sounds so tragic.  So I'm sitting here thinking...let's say I started this saying I was going to quit drinking for 100 days.  Then on day 100 I would have succeeded.  So if I decided to have a drink on day 101 it would be a bad idea but I wouldn't necessarily consider it a relapse because I had never decided to quit drinking forever in the first place.  But on the other hand if I started out saying I was done for good and had a drink on day 101, or any other day, it would be a failure and a relapse.

I feel like this is a lot of rambling, but these are the crazy thoughts going through my mind lately (and no I'm not planning on drinking anytime soon). 

Wolfie, of course is the name Belle uses for the voice of our addiction.  The voice in your head that convinces you to drink.  One of the classic lines wolfie would always use on me was "You are an adult...you can do what you want.  You can drink if you want to because you are an adult".  Yes I am an adult and I'd like to think instead that it means that I won't drink too much and act like a jackass!

Day 14

Well It seems as if my blog has been viewed which is an interesting (vulnerable)feeling.  Still waiting for my first comment!

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with one of my friends at the gym about quitting drinking.  It felt so good to talk about it.  She had a lot of questions and also always has a great perspective on things. 

Of course it was Halloween yesterday and as I was waiting in between trick-or-treaters I was having quite the conversation with myself.  It went like this:

"Maybe my problem isn't that bad, maybe I don't want to do this forever, a glass of wine sounds nice, why am I doing this to myself?"

But both when I climbed into bed and woke up this morning the feeling had passed and I was very glad.  I keep reminding myself about the things I hate about drinking.  In fact, here is a list I made a couple of years ago...note the time I made it, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep because I had been drinking.

I finished Jason Vale's book and am now reading "Mrs. D is Going Without".  I knew I'd love it because of how much her blog spoke to me and its not been a disappointment so far.  I love to read anyway and am especially enjoying the blogs and books I've found lately. 

Here's to a sober November! 

Day 4 October 22, 2014

I feel good today. Today will be an easy day to be sober. Weekdays usually are. I’m tired, the past 2 nights my mind has been racing at and I’ve found it hard to fall asleep. Dogs were up at 6:00. They both slept in the same crate last night and I didn’t even realize it until this morning (and was completely sober when tucking them in), funny!

New candy crush levels are out! This is another addiction of mine. I love to play with a glass of wine in my hand but I also love it without!

Doubts…Should I have started this blog? Is it really private? What if someone sees it? What if I can’t stop drinking forever? What if I don’t need to stop drinking forever? What if I don’t want to stop drinking forever? Who should I tell? What will they say? Do I really have a problem? What about vacations, holidays, weddings, weekends?