How NOT to Vacation

In a couple of short weeks, I'll be going on my first ever sober vacation. Even when I vacationed while pregnant I allowed myself one strawberry daiquiri!  It's been a while since I wrote about some of the bad drinking experiences I've had, but I want to write about one more here so it will serve as a reminder to me.

It was the summer of 2013.  Trip to California (wine country) for my brother's wedding.  One of my best friends lives in the area so as a bonus she would be along for the festivities.  A day long wine tasting excursion was planned for the first full day we were there.  Leading up to the trip I was worried about how I'd be able to handle wine tasting all day, but as it turns out I was way too hungover to even enjoy it.

As soon as we got to our hotel room there was a gift bottle of wine waiting for us.  I opened it before my husband could even put the suitcases down. The rest of the evening was spent at the pool so the kids could swim and the adults could "relax".  Throughout the evening different friends and family members came and went, always with more wine.  

Just a "few" of the bottles from that night

Long story short, I woke up in the hotel room with one of the worst hangovers of my life and a sink full of vomit.  Yep, I got sick in the sink in the very hotel room where my kids were sleeping a few feet away.  Who does that? NOT my proudest moment. Cleaning it up should have been punishment enough, but the whole next day of wine tasting was completely ruined because I felt so terrible. The day after the wedding was also ruined because of a hangover.  TWO full days of this trip were spent feeling miserable.  I will not do that again!

It's Official...I'm Sick

With so much sickness going around this winter I've been lucky so far.  In fact, I haven't been sick at all since I quit drinking.  I've felt it coming on the past couple of days and tried to deny it, tried to load up on vitamins.   This morning when I woke up I could not deny it anymore...I'm officially sick. It's a cold...not the end of the world.  It's interesting though that I have gotten so use to feeling good when I wake up in the morning that it was strange to wake up this morning and NOT feel good.  

I tried to talk myself out of going to the gym this morning and then remembered all the times I went to the gym with a hangover (feeling much worse), just to prove that I wasn't feeling that bad and didn't have a problem. So I did go this morning but may stay home to rest tomorrow if I'm not feeling better, after all I don't have anything to prove anymore! 

Some people have said that being sick is a trigger to drink.  I really don't feel that way and never have.  Although there was this one time in college that I specifically remember.  I was sick with a cold and went out drinking. I drank so much that my cold was completely GONE the next day.  I use to tell this story to brag, but as I think of it now I can only imagine just how much alcohol must have been in my system to completely knock out that virus...yuck!

The only thing I'll be drinking this afternoon is hot tea!

Day 48 ~ It's a Mental Game

Day 48 is significant to me because the last time I "quit drinking", I drank on day 48.  I will not drink today.

Here's a brief recap of what happened last time. 

May 2014 

Day 0.  It was a Sunday, for no apparent reason I started drinking wine early and fast.  By the middle of the afternoon I had vomited and passed out.

Day 1.  Really bad hangover.  Guilt.  Shame.  The usual "I'm never drinking again."  But I felt pretty serious this time. 

Days 2-47.  I was feeling good, I was doing it.

July 2014

Day 48.  I went on vacation.  Wolfie was there although at the time I still had never heard it called that.  He said lots of things to me that day:

"You are on vacation, you can't have fun without drinking"

"You have made it for so long, you deserve a reward (wine)"

"Let's see how it goes, if a drinking opportunity presents itself and you want to drink you can"

"Everyone else on this trip will be drinking"

"You love wine"
"You need wine"

"You know you want to"

"You have never succeeded in quitting before"

"You aren't quitting forever so why not drink today"

 

I really did think long and hard about it.  I did not want to reset the counter on my phone to day 1.  I feel like my "let's see what happens" attitude was the reason for my ultimate decision to drink.  I am hoping the next time I go on vacation I will have a different outlook from the beginning.  I will know that I'm not going to drink and that there is no reason to have this crazy conversation in my head. 

Day 10 October 28, 2014

So what I want to do today is write about May-October of this year. Basically the key events that happened during that time to bring me to where I am today.

In May 2014, I had a particularly bad drinking day. It was a Sunday, probably about 2:00 and I started my usual “a glass of wine sounds nice” routine. I played a board game with my family (wine was pretty much required to do this), my husband put steaks on the barbeque…sounds like a great afternoon. But it was not a great afternoon. The wine was going down even faster than normal and soon after I ate that steak I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up. Who does that? What kind of a mom is puking in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? Of course I got it in my hair so I got in the shower and then proceeded to pass out on my bed in nothing but a T shirt and underwear. I vaguely recall my family coming in and out of the room and looking back I can only wonder what my kids must have been thinking. So I woke up feeling like shit with 3 empty wine bottles on the counter. I managed to get the kids to school, stopped for Gatorade and coconut water, took a detox bath…anything to feel better. I didn’t feel better. I slept until it was just time to pick up my kids. It was one of many days I’d spend just wishing that day was over so I could go to sleep and feel better tomorrow. It wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts about my drinking being a problem, or that I needed to quit. So this began my second “official” attempt at quitting. I made it 47 days.

I was proud of myself, the 47 days were not even that hard. I did lots of things without alcohol including a birthday dinner. I was on fire…and then I went on vacation. I did not have a clear plan about drinking on vacation other than to “see how it goes”. Of course one of the best things about vacations had always been drinking and as soon as the opportunity presented itself I could not resist. It wasn’t an easy decision and I actually thought long and hard about it. I’d have to reset the app on my phone that was counting the days from 47 to ZERO. But the alcohol won and I drank on most days of that vacation. Nothing extreme, one day with a moderate hangover. But once I’d started again I couldn’t get myself back on track.

That was at the beginning of July, and once I’d started again I saw no reason to stop. Especially considering that my best friend was coming in to town at the end of the month. I have a 3 close friends who I’ve known since Jr. High and High school. We get together every summer with our families and then also once a year for a girls weekend, drinking is always a focal point. This summer, the timing of my best friend coming to town also correlated with one of the other friends turning 40. There was a big party planned. My best friend and the one who was turning 40 are both very normal drinkers, with the other friend and I being the heavier drinkers, the party girls…she was my drinking buddy. My husband had mentioned wanting to drink at this event and knowing full well that I’d go overboard I causally mentioned to my drinking buddy that maybe I’d drive (not drink). She was upset to say the least. I really wanted to please her and of course I really WANTED to drink. So I drank. A lot. I’m not going to lie, the night was a lot of fun. After quite a few drinks I actually remember bringing up the fact that I thought I drank too much. Someone said “if you think you have a problem you probably do” So true.

We had our annual girls weekend just a few weeks ago. I did drink, but surprisingly not too much. I remember thinking that it felt so much better to NOT be severely hungover! Of course I couldn’t stop drinking before this weekend but once it was over I felt that I was ready to try again and here I am. If I stay sober as I plan to, next years summer and fall gatherings with my best friends will be some of the most difficult for me. However, they are my best friends and I know that they will support me.

Labor day was in there too…I drank A LOT…you get the idea.

Day 5 October 23, 2014

I feel like my mind has been on overload the past few days. I’m glad I started writing things down but I wish this was more organized. I have a million things in my head that I want to write about and not sure how to best accomplish this. I will say that it feels great to get things out and I’ve never done this before. I’m hoping it will be the difference this time. Something else I’ve never done before is read the blogs of so many other women who are just like me. Sure I’ve browsed the Internet a bit when hungover and taken a few quizzes about my drinking habits. But this week I have been absolutely captivated by some blogs I’ve found. I sit here and nod my head as I read…they are writing MY story. I’ve been careful to mark all of my entries on this blog as private. I am certainly not ready for anyone I KNOW to read this. But I’m considering the idea of people I don’t know but who might be in a similar situation reading it. Not only am I not ready for anyone I know to read this, I haven’t even told anyone in my life of my plan to quit drinking (for good) yet. If I don’t tell anyone and then I fail, no one would even know I tried. I need to tell someone.

Time for another story from the past. I’m not sure about the exact date but it was about 10 years ago. My kids were young and with grandma for the night. We were at a work function for my husband at a place famous for their strong margaritas, and that night they were free! So I quickly drank 3 (which happens to be their limit), but the night didn’t stop there. We were off to another of my favorite spots where I had around 8 or so beers. We took a cab home. I don’t remember much about that ride but I do know I vomited IN THE CAB. Of course I don’t remember the conversation my husband had with the driver but I heard it was a good one. I do remember the hangover the next day and barely being able to sit through my kids swim lessons. Although embarrassed, at the time I don’t remember thinking that I had a problem or needed to stop drinking or anything like that. This was a bad night but it was “normal”. Drinking was just what I did.