Hi! Still here, still sober! It is so funny how things have changed. In the beginning I wanted to blog everyday, sometimes more than once a day. I had so much inside my head that needed to come out. Now, it seems I just don't have the time or desire as I once did. I do think it's important though and know I'll enjoy having this record of my journey so I plan to continue even if it is much less frequently.
Things are going well as far as sobriety is concerned. I find it very easy most of the time and I rarely think about alcohol. I am however about to face probably the most difficult test yet. I have been invited to a birthday party tomorrow night. It is with a bunch of friends from my gym. I know most of them but haven't hung out with them socially for the most part.
I'm feeling lots of anticipatory anxiety about this event. I suppose I'm not sure exactly but from what I can tell there will be lots of drinking. I really want them to like me and I tend to be socially awkward. My first instinct would have always been to drink (a lot) in an attempt to fit in.
I really, really want to go. Not going is not an option. I can't hide away forever just because I'm sober. So I need to relearn how to function at an event like this without alcohol.
Some of the people who are going know that I've stopped drinking. In fact I know of at least one other sober person who will be there. Part of my worry though is how and what to tell people and what their reaction will be.
I know that a lot of the time the worry leading up to an event is much worse than how it actually turns out. I really hope this is the case. I know that I can get through this party without drinking I'm just not sure I can get through it without WANTING to drink.
Showing posts with label party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label party. Show all posts
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
One More Thing
I enjoyed the holidays this year, and I'm also looking forward to settling back into our usual routine. First though, I have one more event to attend and it's tonight.
I have mentioned before that I am fast approaching 40 (not sure how that's possible), which means my friends are all turning 40 as well. 40 seems to be a big deal as far as parties go. I have a close group of friends who I've known since high school and last summer the first of us turned 40. I wrote about that here. Well tonight is the 40th birthday party of one of my other best friends (my best drinking buddy). I've known her more than 20 years, in fact I've drank with here for more than 20 years. I absolutely love her and value our friendship, but she tends to be a party girl. She is actually having TWO 40th birthday parties. I picked the party tonight because although there will be heavy drinking I'm guessing it will be the mellower of the two. Of course, up until a couple of months ago I was just as much of a drinker (probably more) and would have been looking forward to this night as a reason to drink heavily.
When I stopped drinking back in October, I knew this day would come. This was one of the future events that I could not imagine not drinking at. Luckily, as Belle would say, I've got a bit of sober momentum going. I know I won't drink tonight and she knows I won't drink tonight. What I don't know, is that I won't feel socially awkward tonight.
I'm really not a fan of socializing. I'm terrible at small talk, I hate mingling. Wine was such a good remedy to that problem. This won't be a small party and I'll miss the crutch I've relied on for so long. Luckily, another friend from our group (total normal drinker) will be there and I can hang with her.
I've also packed a party bag with a few things that might help. I have a few cans of La Croix, a protein bar (since I've decided to lose weight I won't be munching on the food either), a hat (it's a hat/mustache/wig party) and my essential oils catalog. I've recently discovered essential oils and my friend has indicated that she wants to order...this will give me something to talk about and focus on. Also, Rachel recently posted about making conversation, I'll bring these ideas as well.
I am looking forward to the moment tonight when I lay my sober head on my pillow and congratulate myself for a job well done.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Day 10 October 28, 2014
So what I want to do today is write about May-October of this year. Basically the key events that happened during that time to bring me to where I am today.
In May 2014, I had a particularly bad drinking day. It was a Sunday, probably about 2:00 and I started my usual “a glass of wine sounds nice” routine. I played a board game with my family (wine was pretty much required to do this), my husband put steaks on the barbeque…sounds like a great afternoon. But it was not a great afternoon. The wine was going down even faster than normal and soon after I ate that steak I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up. Who does that? What kind of a mom is puking in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? Of course I got it in my hair so I got in the shower and then proceeded to pass out on my bed in nothing but a T shirt and underwear. I vaguely recall my family coming in and out of the room and looking back I can only wonder what my kids must have been thinking. So I woke up feeling like shit with 3 empty wine bottles on the counter. I managed to get the kids to school, stopped for Gatorade and coconut water, took a detox bath…anything to feel better. I didn’t feel better. I slept until it was just time to pick up my kids. It was one of many days I’d spend just wishing that day was over so I could go to sleep and feel better tomorrow. It wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts about my drinking being a problem, or that I needed to quit. So this began my second “official” attempt at quitting. I made it 47 days.
I was proud of myself, the 47 days were not even that hard. I did lots of things without alcohol including a birthday dinner. I was on fire…and then I went on vacation. I did not have a clear plan about drinking on vacation other than to “see how it goes”. Of course one of the best things about vacations had always been drinking and as soon as the opportunity presented itself I could not resist. It wasn’t an easy decision and I actually thought long and hard about it. I’d have to reset the app on my phone that was counting the days from 47 to ZERO. But the alcohol won and I drank on most days of that vacation. Nothing extreme, one day with a moderate hangover. But once I’d started again I couldn’t get myself back on track.
That was at the beginning of July, and once I’d started again I saw no reason to stop. Especially considering that my best friend was coming in to town at the end of the month. I have a 3 close friends who I’ve known since Jr. High and High school. We get together every summer with our families and then also once a year for a girls weekend, drinking is always a focal point. This summer, the timing of my best friend coming to town also correlated with one of the other friends turning 40. There was a big party planned. My best friend and the one who was turning 40 are both very normal drinkers, with the other friend and I being the heavier drinkers, the party girls…she was my drinking buddy. My husband had mentioned wanting to drink at this event and knowing full well that I’d go overboard I causally mentioned to my drinking buddy that maybe I’d drive (not drink). She was upset to say the least. I really wanted to please her and of course I really WANTED to drink. So I drank. A lot. I’m not going to lie, the night was a lot of fun. After quite a few drinks I actually remember bringing up the fact that I thought I drank too much. Someone said “if you think you have a problem you probably do” So true.
We had our annual girls weekend just a few weeks ago. I did drink, but surprisingly not too much. I remember thinking that it felt so much better to NOT be severely hungover! Of course I couldn’t stop drinking before this weekend but once it was over I felt that I was ready to try again and here I am. If I stay sober as I plan to, next years summer and fall gatherings with my best friends will be some of the most difficult for me. However, they are my best friends and I know that they will support me.
Labor day was in there too…I drank A LOT…you get the idea.
In May 2014, I had a particularly bad drinking day. It was a Sunday, probably about 2:00 and I started my usual “a glass of wine sounds nice” routine. I played a board game with my family (wine was pretty much required to do this), my husband put steaks on the barbeque…sounds like a great afternoon. But it was not a great afternoon. The wine was going down even faster than normal and soon after I ate that steak I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up. Who does that? What kind of a mom is puking in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? Of course I got it in my hair so I got in the shower and then proceeded to pass out on my bed in nothing but a T shirt and underwear. I vaguely recall my family coming in and out of the room and looking back I can only wonder what my kids must have been thinking. So I woke up feeling like shit with 3 empty wine bottles on the counter. I managed to get the kids to school, stopped for Gatorade and coconut water, took a detox bath…anything to feel better. I didn’t feel better. I slept until it was just time to pick up my kids. It was one of many days I’d spend just wishing that day was over so I could go to sleep and feel better tomorrow. It wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts about my drinking being a problem, or that I needed to quit. So this began my second “official” attempt at quitting. I made it 47 days.
I was proud of myself, the 47 days were not even that hard. I did lots of things without alcohol including a birthday dinner. I was on fire…and then I went on vacation. I did not have a clear plan about drinking on vacation other than to “see how it goes”. Of course one of the best things about vacations had always been drinking and as soon as the opportunity presented itself I could not resist. It wasn’t an easy decision and I actually thought long and hard about it. I’d have to reset the app on my phone that was counting the days from 47 to ZERO. But the alcohol won and I drank on most days of that vacation. Nothing extreme, one day with a moderate hangover. But once I’d started again I couldn’t get myself back on track.
That was at the beginning of July, and once I’d started again I saw no reason to stop. Especially considering that my best friend was coming in to town at the end of the month. I have a 3 close friends who I’ve known since Jr. High and High school. We get together every summer with our families and then also once a year for a girls weekend, drinking is always a focal point. This summer, the timing of my best friend coming to town also correlated with one of the other friends turning 40. There was a big party planned. My best friend and the one who was turning 40 are both very normal drinkers, with the other friend and I being the heavier drinkers, the party girls…she was my drinking buddy. My husband had mentioned wanting to drink at this event and knowing full well that I’d go overboard I causally mentioned to my drinking buddy that maybe I’d drive (not drink). She was upset to say the least. I really wanted to please her and of course I really WANTED to drink. So I drank. A lot. I’m not going to lie, the night was a lot of fun. After quite a few drinks I actually remember bringing up the fact that I thought I drank too much. Someone said “if you think you have a problem you probably do” So true.
We had our annual girls weekend just a few weeks ago. I did drink, but surprisingly not too much. I remember thinking that it felt so much better to NOT be severely hungover! Of course I couldn’t stop drinking before this weekend but once it was over I felt that I was ready to try again and here I am. If I stay sober as I plan to, next years summer and fall gatherings with my best friends will be some of the most difficult for me. However, they are my best friends and I know that they will support me.
Labor day was in there too…I drank A LOT…you get the idea.
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