~DAY 100~

It's day 100.  Woo Hoo!  I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to celebrate!

Here is a list of the top things I've learned.

10.  It's not easy.  There are good days and bad.  Some days I feel like shouting from the mountaintops about how I love being sober and some days I feel grouchy and resentful about it.

9.  Nothing good has magically happened since I became sober.  I didn't lose 10 pounds (in fact I initially gained weight) and my marriage still has issues.  I will need to work on these things to make them better.

8.  I still don't "know" how to meditate exactly, but I love listening to Tara Brach as part of my bedtime routine.

7.  I love blogging (this was a surprise).  It's not just my own blog...but the interaction.  I am grateful to my handful of followers (you) who comment on my blog. Also, I love to read words written by someone else and feel I could have written them myself.

6.  I don't miss hangovers...enough said!

5.  Other people don't drink as much as I thought they did.  The only people who will be upset that I'm not drinking are the ones who's brains are wired similarly to mine.

4.  It seems that people who drink too much share other personality characteristics as well.  

3.  I have never regretted NOT drinking the night before.

2.  Sleep is huge.  I love going to bed sober and I love sleeping through the night!

1.  I can do this and YOU can too!

Here is a list of the top things that have been helpful.

5.  Books

• Sober is the New Black
• Mrs. D is Going Without
• Kick the Drink...Easily
• Drinking: A Love Story

4.  Blogs

• writing my own blog
• reading others blogs
• commenting on others blogs

3.  Booze Free Brigage (BFB)

• Yahoo group
• Facebook group

2.  Podcasts

• The Bubble Hour
• Belle's audios
• Tara Brach

All of the above have connected me to others, which brings me to the most important thing that has helped me through my first 100 days.

1.  Realizing that I am not alone.  There are other people just like me.

Thank YOU for being on this journey with me.  Looking forward to day 101 and beyond :)

Master of What? (and 60 days!)

Today is day 60!  That does seem like reason to be proud.  I do not go to AA but I have to admit I wouldn't mind getting a shinny coin and applause for some of these milestones.  

A post on A Hangover Free Life got me thinking the other day.  It seems a bit ironic that I was a psychology major in college and I have a Master's Degree with a focus on school counseling.  It's been nearly 20 years since I have looked at most of these books.  I was a school counselor for a couple of years and then decided to stay home with my kids. 

Of course I know that even if I was a marriage therapist I would not be able to fix my own marriage.  And if I was an addiction specialist I would not be able to fix my own problems with addiction.

I had a long talk with my mom yesterday.  She and my dad got separated when I was in fourth grade.  I shared with her some of what I've been going through in my marriage and was surprised to hear that she felt exactly the same way I am feeling now when she was married to my dad.  The similarities were very interesting.  She feels strongly that I should see a therapist.  I don't disagree, but am resistant because I know it will be difficult.

She also said something else that stood out to me.  It was along the lines of "the grass is not always greener on the other side."  In other words, perhaps I would not be happier after divorce.  Maybe I need to be happy with myself first.

Major Holiday Sober ... Check!

Thanksgiving is over.  Well sort of.  Tomorrow is my mom's Thanksgiving and it will actually be more difficult because I'll be around other people.  My mom knows of my sobriety and said she'd support me by not drinking.  The others who will be there are all very normal drinkers and will be supportive.  We are making a gingerbread house with my kids as we have done for years and it's hard to picture myself getting through that without a glass of wine but I know I will.

Yesterday was the most uneventful Thanksgiving I've ever had.  After I came home from the gym I spent the rest of the day in my pajamas and the turkey was good!

I guess I've now made it a habit of watching my husband drink.  When I was drinking with him I think I was too worried about how I could get the majority of the wine that I never noticed just how boring of a drinker he is.  Of course he has had too much on occasion, but it is very rare.

Anyhow, yesterday he opened a special bottle of wine.  Special because it is from a winery we have been to and was a gift.  I never saw him pour more, but I know he either had one large glass or 2 small (normal) glasses because there is about half a bottle left.  HALF A BOTTLE LEFT?  Still fascinated by someone who can do that.  Especially on a holiday.  He doesn't have to go to work today, it was a really good bottle of wine, it was a gift, etc.  All the reasons my brain would have told me to finish it and probably open another. 

I'm really worried about the rest of that wine going bad.  And yes there is a part of me that is just sad about not having any.  Don't worry, I'm not going to drink it...but that leads me to the other interesting thing that happened yesterday.

When my husband opened the wine I grabbed the bottle and said I wanted to smell it.  My son saw me grab the bottle and said, "Mom, drink water with me!"  This sort of stopped me in my tracks for a moment.  He knows I've stopped drinking and I've mentioned my blog.  He hasn't actually read it but thinks it's cool that it gets hits from different countries and things like that.  So he knows generally what I'm doing but I haven't made too much of a big deal about it.  So I was a little surprised by his reaction and am curious what it was all about.  Does he just want me to succeed in something I've started or does he genuinely not like it (me) when I drink wine? I'm pretty sure I know the answer. 

I think the point is that I am learning more and more that my kids have been affected by my drinking.  It was so easy to tell myself that it was fine and that everyone else does it and they didn't really know what was going on.  Hopefully the good example I can provide now will be enough to offset the bad.  My daughter is really only about 3 years away from the age I was when I had my first drink.

The other thing I did yesterday was read...a lot.  I love to read and have spent a ton of time reading blogs and books about recovery in the last month and a half.  In fact, that is a huge part of me getting this far.  Yesterday though, I decided to read a regular old book and it was great to read a normal book again!

Click

Something is starting to click in my brain just a little bit.  Of course I know I have a problem with alcohol...that's why we're here.  But as I've been listening to podcasts from Belle and The Bubble Hour, and also connecting with people in the Booze Free Brigade (BFB), I am realizing that others with alcohol issues also have similar personality characteristics.  Things like being a people pleaser, getting overwhelmed easily, being controlling, all or nothing thinking, low self-esteem, social awkwardness, perfectionism.  I was under the impression that alcohol was the problem, but there are so many other areas of myself that need work.  This is maybe a slightly depressing realization because of course I have no idea how to make these things better.

But as Dr. Phil would say, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."  Figuring out what I need to work on has to be a good first step, right?

There is a quote that stuck out in my mind from Fifty Shades of Grey.  (Yes I read it...didn't you?)  Christian tells Anastasia, "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up."  I guess it stayed in my mind because I feel like it applies to me. 

Ok, so now what?

Still Day 25

Look at me, I'm posting twice on a day when I had nothing to say.

It's cold and snowy here today (which I love), and my daughters evening activities have been cancelled.  This is a trigger for me as normally what I would have done upon learning we were in for the evening is immediately open a bottle of wine and have "just one glass".  Just one glass would equal a bottle of course.

Instead, what I am going to do is light a candle, drink some hot tea and read a book.  Maybe light a fire, hang out with my kids, watch some TV?

No, I will not be drinking wine.  Yes, I'll probably be thinking about drinking wine.

Day 24

A cool thing happened last night.  I have been trying to actually comment on blogs instead of just lurking around and then Rachel said she had read my blog.  I got a cool butterfly in the stomach kind of feeling!  I really did love her book, I could relate to it so much.  I will be reading it again soon.

 

The other thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is this feeling that my problem isn't/wasn't that bad.  I KNOW I have a problem with alcohol and the way my brain works regarding it.  I also know I need/want to stop drinking.  I think what's bothering me is when I hear other peoples stories I almost feel guilty for never have gotten "that bad".  I love hearing from other people and being able to relate to others has helped me so much.  It takes a lot of courage to share terrible things that have happened.

 

They say alcohol addiction is like an elevator going down and people get off at different floors.  While some bad things have happened while drinking, I'd say I never reached a hard rock bottom.  So you could say I had a high bottom I suppose.  Something else that I keel getting hung up on is the fact that I was not drinking every day or physically addicted.  But as I said I KNOW I have a problem and for me this is what defines it:

 

I would always drink more that I wanted or intended to.  Yes there have been times in my life where I really only did have one or two but they were few and far between.  Also, anytime when that happened I had to concentrate and focus with all of my strength to make it happen. 

 

The part I hated the most was waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.  I would lay there and ask myself "WHY"?  I would tell myself that I wouldn't do it again, but I always did it again.  The feeling of having lost control.  Then of course this was followed by a terrible hangover the next day.  I would spend my hungover days wishing the day was over and I hated that.

 

Another indicator for me is the constant obsession in my head regarding alcohol.  Always thinking about it.  The constant negotiating.  It just can't be "normal" to have this going on in my mind ALL THE TIME. 

Day 14

Well It seems as if my blog has been viewed which is an interesting (vulnerable)feeling.  Still waiting for my first comment!

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with one of my friends at the gym about quitting drinking.  It felt so good to talk about it.  She had a lot of questions and also always has a great perspective on things. 

Of course it was Halloween yesterday and as I was waiting in between trick-or-treaters I was having quite the conversation with myself.  It went like this:

"Maybe my problem isn't that bad, maybe I don't want to do this forever, a glass of wine sounds nice, why am I doing this to myself?"

But both when I climbed into bed and woke up this morning the feeling had passed and I was very glad.  I keep reminding myself about the things I hate about drinking.  In fact, here is a list I made a couple of years ago...note the time I made it, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep because I had been drinking.

I finished Jason Vale's book and am now reading "Mrs. D is Going Without".  I knew I'd love it because of how much her blog spoke to me and its not been a disappointment so far.  I love to read anyway and am especially enjoying the blogs and books I've found lately. 

Here's to a sober November! 

Day 11 October 29, 2014

Been in a great mood today and here’s what’s on my mind.

I started reading Jason Vale’s book yesterday. I’ve seen it mentioned in lots of places and so far I’m very interested and fascinated with it. It’s really giving me a lot to think about. Only about 30% through it but excited to read more.

Random thought I had last night. For whatever reason I’ve never been interested in drinking alcohol on an airplane. It’s one of the few places that I just really never wanted it, and wouldn’t drink it. Not exactly sure why but it’s an interesting thought.

For me one of the worst things about drinking and one of the best things about not drinking has to do with sleep. The worst thing for me has always been waking up in the middle of the night regretting drinking too much and not being able to fall back asleep. Laying there for hours on end beating myself up. Absolutely HATE that. On the other hand I much prefer getting into bed at night when I haven’t been drinking, not to mention the fact that I’ll sleep through and wake up feeling good! Long story short, today I bought myself a new “sobriety blanket”. It’s super soft and warm and a beautiful color. Just something to look forward to at the end of the day and a small reminder for me.

One more thought…I was reading on someone’s blog about getting a tattoo regarding their sobriety. Of course I thought…not me. But then I thought about it more and I sort of want to do this. Maybe after a year? I’ve seen white tattoos on Pinterest and what a great way to do it. It’s there but can hardly be seen. My thought would be to get “not today” on the inside of my wrist. I’ll think about this for a while…

Day 9 October 27, 2014

I went to the liquor store today. I’d gone through the wine we did have in the house pretty quick before I decided to stop and seeing as how my husband has no problem with alcohol my plan is to have it in the house for him. I also wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I did my usual routine of walking around and picking up inexpensive bottles of wine. I felt like I should be shouting “don’t worry I’m not going to drink it!”

I also started reading “Sober is the New Black”. I love it and can totally relate to it. I’m 60% done and will finish it in the morning