~DAY 100~

It's day 100.  Woo Hoo!  I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to celebrate!

Here is a list of the top things I've learned.

10.  It's not easy.  There are good days and bad.  Some days I feel like shouting from the mountaintops about how I love being sober and some days I feel grouchy and resentful about it.

9.  Nothing good has magically happened since I became sober.  I didn't lose 10 pounds (in fact I initially gained weight) and my marriage still has issues.  I will need to work on these things to make them better.

8.  I still don't "know" how to meditate exactly, but I love listening to Tara Brach as part of my bedtime routine.

7.  I love blogging (this was a surprise).  It's not just my own blog...but the interaction.  I am grateful to my handful of followers (you) who comment on my blog. Also, I love to read words written by someone else and feel I could have written them myself.

6.  I don't miss hangovers...enough said!

5.  Other people don't drink as much as I thought they did.  The only people who will be upset that I'm not drinking are the ones who's brains are wired similarly to mine.

4.  It seems that people who drink too much share other personality characteristics as well.  

3.  I have never regretted NOT drinking the night before.

2.  Sleep is huge.  I love going to bed sober and I love sleeping through the night!

1.  I can do this and YOU can too!

Here is a list of the top things that have been helpful.

5.  Books

• Sober is the New Black
• Mrs. D is Going Without
• Kick the Drink...Easily
• Drinking: A Love Story

4.  Blogs

• writing my own blog
• reading others blogs
• commenting on others blogs

3.  Booze Free Brigage (BFB)

• Yahoo group
• Facebook group

2.  Podcasts

• The Bubble Hour
• Belle's audios
• Tara Brach

All of the above have connected me to others, which brings me to the most important thing that has helped me through my first 100 days.

1.  Realizing that I am not alone.  There are other people just like me.

Thank YOU for being on this journey with me.  Looking forward to day 101 and beyond :)

The Pink Cloud

Yesterday, I was enjoying my typical Saturday morning routine of drinking coffee and reading sober blogs.  I was reading another blogger talking about the pink clouds of sobriety and I looked outside my window to find my very own literal pink cloud.  After I snapped this picture, my son woke up and suggested I put on some Christmas music.

All of this happened as I was freezing because our furnace stopped working the night before (Friday) and the repairman couldn't get here Saturday.  When things like this happen I tend to get hugely overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, upset.  I really needed this "pink cloud moment" and it seemed to be created just when I needed it.  A reminder that everything will be OK and to stop and enjoy a content moment in the midst of chaos.

Turns out the furnace was an easy fix.  One tripped switch reset and all was well.  And I was SO stressed out.  Maybe I need to learn to wait and see if there is anything to be upset about before I get so worked up!

Last night I told my dad and step-mom that I've quit drinking as they shared a bottle of wine with my husband.  "We only need 3 glasses," I told the waiter.  It was a relief to tell them before Christmas day as now the pressure is off.  My step-mom said "good for you," and my dad asked me if I was feeling better.  I said I was sleeping much better and we had a good discussion about that. Seems he often wakes in the middle of the night and he wondered if he'd sleep better without alcohol.  "Yes," I said "you would definitely sleep better."

Day 24

A cool thing happened last night.  I have been trying to actually comment on blogs instead of just lurking around and then Rachel said she had read my blog.  I got a cool butterfly in the stomach kind of feeling!  I really did love her book, I could relate to it so much.  I will be reading it again soon.

 

The other thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is this feeling that my problem isn't/wasn't that bad.  I KNOW I have a problem with alcohol and the way my brain works regarding it.  I also know I need/want to stop drinking.  I think what's bothering me is when I hear other peoples stories I almost feel guilty for never have gotten "that bad".  I love hearing from other people and being able to relate to others has helped me so much.  It takes a lot of courage to share terrible things that have happened.

 

They say alcohol addiction is like an elevator going down and people get off at different floors.  While some bad things have happened while drinking, I'd say I never reached a hard rock bottom.  So you could say I had a high bottom I suppose.  Something else that I keel getting hung up on is the fact that I was not drinking every day or physically addicted.  But as I said I KNOW I have a problem and for me this is what defines it:

 

I would always drink more that I wanted or intended to.  Yes there have been times in my life where I really only did have one or two but they were few and far between.  Also, anytime when that happened I had to concentrate and focus with all of my strength to make it happen. 

 

The part I hated the most was waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.  I would lay there and ask myself "WHY"?  I would tell myself that I wouldn't do it again, but I always did it again.  The feeling of having lost control.  Then of course this was followed by a terrible hangover the next day.  I would spend my hungover days wishing the day was over and I hated that.

 

Another indicator for me is the constant obsession in my head regarding alcohol.  Always thinking about it.  The constant negotiating.  It just can't be "normal" to have this going on in my mind ALL THE TIME. 

Day 18

Things always seem better in the morning. Last night I was grouchy and weepy and just plain in a bad mood. Little things were getting under my skin. I feel so much better this morning after a good night of sleep.  I'm writing this down so I can remind myself that things will be better tomorrow. 

Speaking of the morning. As I'm drinking my coffee, I'm thinking about how much I love coffee and it's one of the things that makes the mornings great. After a night of drinking, one of the ways I would judge the severity of the hangover was based on whether or not I wanted coffee the next morning. Mild to moderate...still wanted coffee. Moderate to severe and the thought made me cringe. One more "gift of sobriety" is enjoying my coffee every day!

Day 14

Well It seems as if my blog has been viewed which is an interesting (vulnerable)feeling.  Still waiting for my first comment!

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with one of my friends at the gym about quitting drinking.  It felt so good to talk about it.  She had a lot of questions and also always has a great perspective on things. 

Of course it was Halloween yesterday and as I was waiting in between trick-or-treaters I was having quite the conversation with myself.  It went like this:

"Maybe my problem isn't that bad, maybe I don't want to do this forever, a glass of wine sounds nice, why am I doing this to myself?"

But both when I climbed into bed and woke up this morning the feeling had passed and I was very glad.  I keep reminding myself about the things I hate about drinking.  In fact, here is a list I made a couple of years ago...note the time I made it, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep because I had been drinking.

I finished Jason Vale's book and am now reading "Mrs. D is Going Without".  I knew I'd love it because of how much her blog spoke to me and its not been a disappointment so far.  I love to read anyway and am especially enjoying the blogs and books I've found lately. 

Here's to a sober November! 

Day 11 October 29, 2014

Been in a great mood today and here’s what’s on my mind.

I started reading Jason Vale’s book yesterday. I’ve seen it mentioned in lots of places and so far I’m very interested and fascinated with it. It’s really giving me a lot to think about. Only about 30% through it but excited to read more.

Random thought I had last night. For whatever reason I’ve never been interested in drinking alcohol on an airplane. It’s one of the few places that I just really never wanted it, and wouldn’t drink it. Not exactly sure why but it’s an interesting thought.

For me one of the worst things about drinking and one of the best things about not drinking has to do with sleep. The worst thing for me has always been waking up in the middle of the night regretting drinking too much and not being able to fall back asleep. Laying there for hours on end beating myself up. Absolutely HATE that. On the other hand I much prefer getting into bed at night when I haven’t been drinking, not to mention the fact that I’ll sleep through and wake up feeling good! Long story short, today I bought myself a new “sobriety blanket”. It’s super soft and warm and a beautiful color. Just something to look forward to at the end of the day and a small reminder for me.

One more thought…I was reading on someone’s blog about getting a tattoo regarding their sobriety. Of course I thought…not me. But then I thought about it more and I sort of want to do this. Maybe after a year? I’ve seen white tattoos on Pinterest and what a great way to do it. It’s there but can hardly be seen. My thought would be to get “not today” on the inside of my wrist. I’ll think about this for a while…

Day 10 October 28, 2014

So what I want to do today is write about May-October of this year. Basically the key events that happened during that time to bring me to where I am today.

In May 2014, I had a particularly bad drinking day. It was a Sunday, probably about 2:00 and I started my usual “a glass of wine sounds nice” routine. I played a board game with my family (wine was pretty much required to do this), my husband put steaks on the barbeque…sounds like a great afternoon. But it was not a great afternoon. The wine was going down even faster than normal and soon after I ate that steak I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up. Who does that? What kind of a mom is puking in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? Of course I got it in my hair so I got in the shower and then proceeded to pass out on my bed in nothing but a T shirt and underwear. I vaguely recall my family coming in and out of the room and looking back I can only wonder what my kids must have been thinking. So I woke up feeling like shit with 3 empty wine bottles on the counter. I managed to get the kids to school, stopped for Gatorade and coconut water, took a detox bath…anything to feel better. I didn’t feel better. I slept until it was just time to pick up my kids. It was one of many days I’d spend just wishing that day was over so I could go to sleep and feel better tomorrow. It wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts about my drinking being a problem, or that I needed to quit. So this began my second “official” attempt at quitting. I made it 47 days.

I was proud of myself, the 47 days were not even that hard. I did lots of things without alcohol including a birthday dinner. I was on fire…and then I went on vacation. I did not have a clear plan about drinking on vacation other than to “see how it goes”. Of course one of the best things about vacations had always been drinking and as soon as the opportunity presented itself I could not resist. It wasn’t an easy decision and I actually thought long and hard about it. I’d have to reset the app on my phone that was counting the days from 47 to ZERO. But the alcohol won and I drank on most days of that vacation. Nothing extreme, one day with a moderate hangover. But once I’d started again I couldn’t get myself back on track.

That was at the beginning of July, and once I’d started again I saw no reason to stop. Especially considering that my best friend was coming in to town at the end of the month. I have a 3 close friends who I’ve known since Jr. High and High school. We get together every summer with our families and then also once a year for a girls weekend, drinking is always a focal point. This summer, the timing of my best friend coming to town also correlated with one of the other friends turning 40. There was a big party planned. My best friend and the one who was turning 40 are both very normal drinkers, with the other friend and I being the heavier drinkers, the party girls…she was my drinking buddy. My husband had mentioned wanting to drink at this event and knowing full well that I’d go overboard I causally mentioned to my drinking buddy that maybe I’d drive (not drink). She was upset to say the least. I really wanted to please her and of course I really WANTED to drink. So I drank. A lot. I’m not going to lie, the night was a lot of fun. After quite a few drinks I actually remember bringing up the fact that I thought I drank too much. Someone said “if you think you have a problem you probably do” So true.

We had our annual girls weekend just a few weeks ago. I did drink, but surprisingly not too much. I remember thinking that it felt so much better to NOT be severely hungover! Of course I couldn’t stop drinking before this weekend but once it was over I felt that I was ready to try again and here I am. If I stay sober as I plan to, next years summer and fall gatherings with my best friends will be some of the most difficult for me. However, they are my best friends and I know that they will support me.

Labor day was in there too…I drank A LOT…you get the idea.

Day 8 October 26, 2014

It’s Sunday night and I’m tired. Not going to lie, I thought about wine today. A lot. Sort of like when I go on a no carb diet and all I want is bread. I wasn’t thinking about it like I was actually going to drink it, but wishing I was a normal drinker so I could. They featured a new drink on shark tank and it sounded good and the sharks loved it and it was this moment of feeling sorry for myself because I’ll never get to taste it. And then I’m thinking that I don’t HAVE to do this forever and the thoughts go back and forth. Never ending. I will say that as I’m getting ready to get into bed I really do love crawling into bed much better when I haven’t been drinking. It’s such a better experience.